SCA

[hlmauera]

This is the post I posted Saturday night when I got home.  I was so tired and discouraged.

"I also quite clearly realized that once Durin and Ceridwen step down, there really isn't anyone who will care much if I'm there. I have no meaningful role to fill- I can't work hard enough to be anything special. Some people already look at me like I'm something they scraped off their shoe. I used to think I was a good attendant but today I realized that's not really true. I don't have the youthful energy and enthusiasm to put on the show with all it's pomp and circumstance. I was shoved out of my role several times by people who wanted to do it better and I let them. As an introvert with no particular skill and very little time to devote to learning a new one, I'm just dead weight. The SCA will be fine without me."

I thought on it quite a bit yesterday and posted:

"I was very tired and discouraged yesterday. I don't intend to completely leave the SCA yet but life requires more attention, so time I can give the SCA will be limited. This limit makes it less satisfying because I also can't give the time needed to become expert in any art. Being a generalist is not very respected in the SCA- I don't make flashy garb, paint beautiful images, weave lovely trim, make weapons or other obviously noticeable items. What I do is make well fitted, sturdy, useable period garments and give my time and resources as best I can to support events and people. I know how to do many things but don't have the time to devote a lot of time to things that are not strictly practical.
I also am not very good at being social or gregarious. So I tend to fade to the background, which makes me easy to ignore or overlook. While I understand the why, it's still incredibly hard to feel alone in such a crowd. Hence the discouragement."

Jonna replied to this:

"I suppose the question becomes, why are you there? To get noticed? To be in the foreground? To socialize and enjoy stepping out of the real world for a bit? To serve because you like to serve? To have a chance to make pretty things? It seems maybe you need to assess the "why" of the SCA for you, and what you want out of it. I liked doing the pretty things, and I had a talent for dealing with the mechanics of the admin...but ultimately found that I enjoyed doing that more (and for more satisfaction from) doing it in the real world. Thinking about the "why" may help you decide if the SCA is the place to find that satisfaction. Interestingly enough, you were doing quite well with positive posts....right up until you went to an event."

A reply to my original from Godwyn/Forrest helped me to focus a bit:

"There were several times throughout the day yesterday that I would wonder for a second if their highnesses were being taken care of and then I remembered you were there and didn't worry about them anymore because I knew you would be taking care of anything that came up."

This struck such a happy cord that I realized that it hit a the crux of the issue.

Intellectually, I have always loved the learning and making part of our game. I also love the connection with people that I've created. But emotionally, I think Godwyn hit it on the head for me. I want to be a person that people know they can rely on. I want have a place and be important, not in a "look at me" kind of way, but in the way of a pillar of support. I think that's why feeling pushed aside and feeling like I had no place made me so discouraged.

Jonna reminded me that to be that type of pillar takes a time commitment which is a conundrum with where I currently am in life.   I just don't have a lot of time to spend.  I have to be realistic in my expectations when that is the case.  She told me to "be kind" to myself.  I'm not so good at that.  I have such high expectations of myself, I think I should be able to do it all- but really, it's not possible.  There will be more pondering and cogitating on this matter I think.