Sep. 18th, 2017

hlmauera: (Default)
September 11, 2017

I had a blood draw this morning in preparation for my annual doctor's visit next week. I got to spend a little extra time in reading and quiet meditation. The technician did a marvelous job. She got me in one stick in my elbow...I don't remember the last time I didn't have to have a butterfly in my hand to give blood. People are trickling back from summer vacations and it's nice to see more friendly faces again.

Hmmm... maybe two Thai ice teas was a bit too much caffeine. I feel jittery. I'm keeping my mouth shut though because last time I had too much caffeine I was quite verbose in a Squirrel on coffee kind of way (Hoodwinked).

Noon time positives....I got into the HEDA Salesforce sandbox at least temporarily and have been able to work on some training today. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the scope of this project but this does help some. People are amusing: Air quality observation from Alan Roberts: Looks ok today. Tomorrow, it will reach "3 packs of unfiltered camel cigarettes a day" level. By the weekend, it will probably be back at "assisted suicide" levels. Also I got a lovely affirmation from an unexpected place person today and it was a real mood lifter. My boss lit into me this morning about not telling her I was going to be late and then had to do a little back pedaling when she realized that she hadn't checked where she'd told us to post our leave. There was no apology but I'll take my satisfaction where I can get it.

I enjoyed a quiet night. I spent some time making cards using the new Christmas Quilt bundle. I made three cards total, all of which I like. I also finished all the HEDA training. It has been a sober day of remembrance as well. There have been lots of posts of Sept 11, 2001,  that day we never want to forget but don't really like to remember either.

September 12, 2017

I am so thankful for a sweet friend who has been offering advice and encouragement and who checks in with me almost daily. I hope I am as encouraging to her as she is to me.
I have a meeting with my Salesforce advisor in a few minutes to discuss the project in the terms my dean needs to see. I'm overwhelmed and having trouble figuring out how to get started. I'm hopeful that he can give me some direction and he was super about getting back to me as soon as he knew I was drowning.
I'm glad I have a coworker who is willing to listen to me trying to figure out what to do next.

I spent a good portion of the day working on a work flow diagram recommended by my Salesforce advisor. It's progress anyway. It's also amazingly complex. So far the people I've run it by think it makes sense. Yeah me! So many issues have been sorted out today that I wasn't originally involved in but had to solve. I'm good at that. I'm irritated about some things but I'm chosing to address it with humor instead of anger. This has lead to some fun exchanges with coworkers who understand.

Tonight we made jerky for Trudi Trudchen Stuber and calculated whether the lowest lottery would be enough to pay off the mortgage and live off of (no). Of course we'd have to buy tickets first. Barring a lottery win we comforted each other on the difficulties inherent in each other's jobs. It doesn't fix anything but it's nice to have sympathy given. Then I dropped off some snail adhesive refills with my mom and helped her set up her new Charge 2 Fitbit. When I came home I worked on cards for a couple of cousins. Doing for others helps take my mind off my own worries.

September 13, 2017

Good morning, I woke up with a hymn in my heart and that always makes the day start well. It's Wednesday and we are halfway through the week. I decided last night just to let this job stuff roll. I have a job, I will continue to have a job in all likelihood. I have no idea what all it will consist of but I know I'll be working on Salesforce and otherwise filling in with other tasks I've probably done before. All the angst and anxiety about my PD just isn't worth it. If, when I get done with the big push on Salesforce, my other duties are not what I want, I can look for another job. Or maybe things will sort themselves out in the mean time. There is no sense borrowing trouble or stealing joy from today by worrying about tomorrow. I realize that this is easy to say and not so easy to do but I'm working on it.
I was blessed by yet another sweet, short, text conversation with Jaymie who keeps helping me put things in perspective. I look forward to our morning "chats" so much now.

I tried a new shampoo and conditioner today. My hair feels great and looks good but I'm not very happy with the smell.  I'm going to try mixing essential oils with it to see if I can make the fragrance more likeable.

I had a lovely luncheon sitting on the patio by myself. It was quiet and refreshing. I've done a little more workflow mapping today and have talked to several people who have confirmed that it works so far for them. I've had lots of email requests but so far it's been a pretty low stress day.

The afternoon was busy and productive. I left on time and had plenty of time to make and eat dinner and walk to meeting. It was a wonderful meeting, as usual. I remembered to start the water when I got home from work so the front flowerbeds and the garden got watered. I finished all the seams on Ceridwen's tunic and the hems at the wrist. I only need to do the hem and attach the trim.


September 14, 2017

I posted some information about the biology of sex and engaged with some people in a respectful conversation about how that translates to biblical scripture.  It was informational really- because I've heard too many of my religious friends say disparagingly that sex is obvious at birth.  I wanted to make the point that it's really, really not.

Oh man. This day could die a fiery death so I'm hunting for positives while I try to breathe on my lunch break.
I guess I'm glad I'm needed. I'm not a 98 lb weakling so that emergency furniture move that has to happen immediately is something I can handle (not sure about the 500 lb table top but I'll figure it out- breathe!).
This morning I had a hymn on my mind again (337, Counted in, if you are curious). Anxiety levels are high today but at least I am aware and can address it more rationally.

I am tired- physically and mentally but I got almost all of the furniture moved and I got the help lined up to disassemble the one piece I couldn't manage. My new helper was impressed I was able to empty it out so quickly. I'm glad someone appreciates the work I do- really, not sarcastic. It's not my first rodeo here. I got to get a nice hug from a friend and catch up for a few minutes. It's good to remember that Tam is back on campus- we used to take walks together during the day when we worked together. Maybe we can do that again once in a while. She had some solid advice that I will work on. Now I'm debating whether I should go get sushi before I go home and sew or whether I should just go home and have a cheese quesadilla for dinner. Sushi sounds good but it's definitely more expensive. I can afford it right now.

Well it's a little late but I just finished Ceridwen's tunic a day early! I discovered today how great a support network I have. They can't fix things but they support me through them. It's seriously larger than I imagine especially when I'm down I really appreciate all of them. I got to see my mighty hunters at work. Simon brought in a huge moth from the garage and, of course let it get away. Have no fear though, after much romping, stalking, and caterwauling by both cats, Helix successfully caught, and ate it.



September 15, 2017

Well, today I find out what my job is going to be. I've decided to try to not stress about it. As Tam Belknap told me yesterday- there will be something about the job I like. I just have to find it. It should all be fairly familiar as well unless something dramatic happens which I'm not expecting. I do have butterflies. I'm going to be fairly busy between now and my meeting though so no dwelling on it. Yeah for the end of ambiguity.

It's Friday, anyway! Since I finished my sewing last night, I have time tonight to do whatever I want after I get my stuff together for the event.
That may mean mowing, but you know- I like the look of a fresh mowed lawn and it doesn't take too long.

Yeesh! That was a lot of angst for a whole lot of nothing. My position really hasn't changed that dramatically but they actually have added some decision making responsibility, just in different ways. There is a lot of streamlining so somethings I won't be doing, just because they don't need doing any more. More later, I have to go move furniture again.  OUCH! I just got my fingers stuck underneath three table tops. I don't think anything is seriously damaged but I may lose a fingernail and have some good bruises. I currently have lines across my fingers in two places.  But all the furniture has been moved.

I had a nice lunch with a coworker today. We got all the furniture moved and I got the attic space organized. My meeting with my supervisor went fine. There were no major changes, not even the ones I expected. She did encourage my input and will continue to work on it with the feedback I've given her. She also wants me to continue to think on it and we'll meet again in a couple of weeks. She also assured me that everyone is feeling the strain of the ambiguity and change. I think it was her way of telling me to toughen up but it worked all the same.


September 16, 2017

I got out the door on the dot of 6:30 which was exactly when I wanted to leave.  Then I got to have Chai to speed my on my way.  The event is 2 hrs and 54 minutes away and I want to be there no later than 9:30.  It's a fairly easy drive down i-5.  I've packed a lunch but don't have much else.  I'll be busy so I won't be posting mid day.

Such an interesting and mixed day today.
I was watching Sverre on the field as marshal interacting with the fighters and the royalty and I realized quite clearly, he's ready. Apparently the counsel and crown agreed because he's on vigil for knighthood now.

The impromptu bardic circle was lovely to listen to. I didn't know the music so I couldn't really sing along but it was fun.

I appreciate Vestia Antonia Aurelia popping by several times with hugs and kind words today. I have met some wonderful people in the SCA.

There are emotional and touching moments at these events, like Durin cutting off pieces of his belt today to give to fighters in the list (He's assuming it's his last reign- five is about enough) and awards given that thrill and surprise the hearts of the recipients. Beautiful moments!

I am struggling to figure out what to do with the SCA in my life.  I don't have enough time for everything and I don't know that the SCA needs me.  I posted a whole angsty post about it which doesn't fall into the being positive posts but I may post in a separate post.


September 17, 2017

It's raining finally!  They are expecting a drencher of a system to be here in the PNW for the next 1-2 weeks.  I'm so glad, we need it to put out all the fires and clear the air.

I had a quiet day. When my alarm went off it made me cry, literally. I had a headache, my stomach hurt and I ached all over. So I called and let people know I would be staying home, took some anti inflammatories, and went back to sleep for 3.5 hours. When I woke again my head felt a little better and my stomach issue resolved itself. I still ache tonight but I'm guessing that it's the weather change causing that. I decided to slice up the pile of tomatoes and get them on the dehydrator. Then I worked on finishing the tunic I had carried with me yesterday. When I finished it, I did my dishes and made up some food for the week. Then I was able to sit and knit. I maybe should have made some cards but my brain isn't working creatively today. Now I'm going to put the clean clothes away and go to bed.

I sure missed meeting this morning.  I needed to sleep off the headache and other issues but I could have used the uplifting of the spirit.  I'm glad I feel that way.  I'd worry about my own spirit if I didn't.






SCA

Sep. 18th, 2017 09:28 am
hlmauera: (Default)
This is the post I posted Saturday night when I got home.  I was so tired and discouraged.

"I also quite clearly realized that once Durin and Ceridwen step down, there really isn't anyone who will care much if I'm there. I have no meaningful role to fill- I can't work hard enough to be anything special. Some people already look at me like I'm something they scraped off their shoe. I used to think I was a good attendant but today I realized that's not really true. I don't have the youthful energy and enthusiasm to put on the show with all it's pomp and circumstance. I was shoved out of my role several times by people who wanted to do it better and I let them. As an introvert with no particular skill and very little time to devote to learning a new one, I'm just dead weight. The SCA will be fine without me."

I thought on it quite a bit yesterday and posted:

"I was very tired and discouraged yesterday. I don't intend to completely leave the SCA yet but life requires more attention, so time I can give the SCA will be limited. This limit makes it less satisfying because I also can't give the time needed to become expert in any art. Being a generalist is not very respected in the SCA- I don't make flashy garb, paint beautiful images, weave lovely trim, make weapons or other obviously noticeable items. What I do is make well fitted, sturdy, useable period garments and give my time and resources as best I can to support events and people. I know how to do many things but don't have the time to devote a lot of time to things that are not strictly practical.
I also am not very good at being social or gregarious. So I tend to fade to the background, which makes me easy to ignore or overlook. While I understand the why, it's still incredibly hard to feel alone in such a crowd. Hence the discouragement."

Jonna replied to this:

"I suppose the question becomes, why are you there? To get noticed? To be in the foreground? To socialize and enjoy stepping out of the real world for a bit? To serve because you like to serve? To have a chance to make pretty things? It seems maybe you need to assess the "why" of the SCA for you, and what you want out of it. I liked doing the pretty things, and I had a talent for dealing with the mechanics of the admin...but ultimately found that I enjoyed doing that more (and for more satisfaction from) doing it in the real world. Thinking about the "why" may help you decide if the SCA is the place to find that satisfaction. Interestingly enough, you were doing quite well with positive posts....right up until you went to an event."

A reply to my original from Godwyn/Forrest helped me to focus a bit:

"There were several times throughout the day yesterday that I would wonder for a second if their highnesses were being taken care of and then I remembered you were there and didn't worry about them anymore because I knew you would be taking care of anything that came up."

This struck such a happy cord that I realized that it hit a the crux of the issue.

Intellectually, I have always loved the learning and making part of our game. I also love the connection with people that I've created. But emotionally, I think Godwyn hit it on the head for me. I want to be a person that people know they can rely on. I want have a place and be important, not in a "look at me" kind of way, but in the way of a pillar of support. I think that's why feeling pushed aside and feeling like I had no place made me so discouraged.

Jonna reminded me that to be that type of pillar takes a time commitment which is a conundrum with where I currently am in life.   I just don't have a lot of time to spend.  I have to be realistic in my expectations when that is the case.  She told me to "be kind" to myself.  I'm not so good at that.  I have such high expectations of myself, I think I should be able to do it all- but really, it's not possible.  There will be more pondering and cogitating on this matter I think.
 

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