Christmas....

[hlmauera]

Christmas depression is apparently a thing for me.  I struggle with this time of year every year, it seems.  It's worse this year because of the circumstances surrounding it.  The fact that I will be without family is hard- Christmas is supposed to be about family and mine won't be this year.  I know I have friends that I love like family (and who understand me better than family) but somehow it isn't the same.  I know that eventually there will be a gift exchange but for some reason the day matters to me.  We always open presents on Christmas eve.  It's a Norwegian family tradition but also, I believe it's the day my grandfather fell into the coma that he never came out of.  I think Grandma made it into a day of celebration to take away the sad, so the day seems important.  It's my connection to Grandma who has been gone for 8 years now but I still miss her, especially at Christmas. She was an amazing woman and Christmas was her holiday to spoil everyone.

But even when I know I'll be with my family I struggle with Christmas.  I think I always have.  When I was young, I think I got too many hopes up surrounding the holiday.  I try not to do that anymore but I still find it all overwhelming. I end up fighting with my dad and/or my brother and it's always implied that it's my fault.  My dad still tries to send me to my room or demand my participation.  I have no freedom unless we are home and I can leave but we haven't been doing that for years.  So usually, I'm a ride hostage and sometimes a house hostage.  I get angry about life.  It's never more apparent than when I'm with family, how much that I dreamed of having that I don't and probably won't ever have.  it's also apparent how my life has taught me more tolerance and hopefully gentleness with others than my brother and father have.  They aren't bad people, please don't get me wrong.  I love them dearly and value them for the people they are (although sometimes I wish they could be more).  Mom and Dad are so wrapped up in being Grandpa and Grandma and in-laws that all else seems to be subsumed. I get it.  Lilly is adorable and my sister-in-law is pretty awesome.  My brother and his life appear to be everything they wanted their kids to be.  Me, not so much.  I know my parents (or at least my mom) admire my compassion and my stick-it-toitiveness. (My dad loves me very much but he struggles to tell me what he likes about me). But when faced with my brother making twice my salary (with half the education), dealing with multi-million dollar contracts, having the perfect (relatively) little family/house/life, I feel rather inadequate and somewhat jealous. I don't want his life, but I'd like to have something more in mine.  I feel like I've failed to accomplish anything but racking up big debts in my life.

Then there is the pressure of finding/making the perfect gift for my family members.  I never start early enough to make everything before the holiday rush but it seems like I'm only ever making things for other people.  Because I have limited resources for gifts but big expectations of giving, there is always a conundrum.  I'm also running out of ideas for gifts that can be home made that people like and use.  I had started to make a little dress for Lilly but my SIL has twice now told me how she's really hoping for a hat for Lilly for Christmas so I scrapped the dress to make a hat.  It seems a bad exchange but it's what she asked for.  I don't expect to be able to get the dress done now before Christmas (SIL wanted a matching hat but that's not going to happen).   To the best of my knowledge, none of the men ever use what I make for them, with the exception of my dad who will wear only one of the hats I made for him.  So it seems a waste to make things they won't use. But that means spending more money to buy gifts for them, which adds to my budget concerns.  This year, all my Christmas shopping had to go on the credit card, which I hate, but there wasn't any savings left after my surgery and the mess that the hospital made and hasn't fixed yet (They took the entirety of my remaining out of pocket max before surgery but didn't bill first, so now I have several other bills to pay but they are still "reviewing" my account 3 months later and won't give me the several hundred dollar refund I am due until they finish).  And there always seems to be extra expenses this time of year; it's just how life seems to work.

This year I have the added fun of planning for my colonoscopy and endoscopy on the 13th.  Unfortunately, the diet that I have to be on for the next three days leaves me with three things to eat- Potatoes with no skin, lean tender meat, processed pasta/bread.  There are no fruits and vegetables which I am allowed to eat that I can eat and no spices to make it all palatable  (no spices unless they are a non-red powder).  I will probably eat my sheep and goat's milk cheese because they aren't forbidden unless you are lactose intolerant- which I am but they have less lactose than cow's milk. I will also have my non-dairy butter, because I don't see that it is forbidden.  Due to the timing, I end up being on a clear liquid diet for two days (although it's only supposed to be 24 hours).  I have no idea what I can have other than water on that.  I see a whole lot of hungry crankies in my future. Watch out at 11th night on Saturday.

I was supposed to go see the Nutcracker with a friend but it hasn't worked out so I don't have that to look forward to.  I will go to 11th night but I'm not wanting to.  The interesting way my mind works:  I feel like I've let Sverre and Brecca down because I had to be out for family and surgery stuff the last few months. I haven't actually been to an event since August.  Now, they both told me they didn't expect me to be at events, just wrangle largesse.  I don't think I've done a very good job with that either, especially since I haven't even heard from them since August.  I haven't seen any donations but I haven't been at events so...  Anyway, as they are stepping down, most coronets give gifts as thank yous.  I don't feel like I deserve one so I don't want one.  On the other hand, I don't want to not get one because they agree with me that I've done a lousy job.  So it's a bit of a catch 22.  I'd like to just stay away.  However, I have to pass off the Largesse to someone so I need to go.  I will probably leave early because...food issues.  There is a day board and feast but I can't eat it as far as I know so I'll need to leave.  Again, on the other hand, I'd like to see people, because it's been since August since I've seen most everyone.  On yet a third hand (and who doesn't need one), I could really use the time to work on my Christmas projects.  I am also planning to run up to Portland, weather permitting, next Saturday to peruse Geek the halls.  I could probably use the time more profitably but it's too late at that point anyway- Mom and Dad will have left for CA so it's either done or not by then.  The rest will just be late and what's one more day late?

I still don't know when I will be able to take my extra holiday.  Since I don't need extra time off- at least not when we are allowed to take it- I have been waiting for everyone else to make their requests.  I still don't know what they need so I'm just waiting.  I imagine I will take it before or after New Year's since everyone else seems to have Christmas plans.  I don't need it- New Year's Day is a Sunday so the party is usually Saturday night. But the state celebrates it on Monday so we have that day off. I'm allowed to take it either Friday or Tuesday, neither of which is necessary.  It's just another day to spend alone but I guess it doesn't really matter at that point.  I enjoy my house by myself, just not always at the holidays.

Anyway, I've done enough soul searching and kvetching for the day.  I'll see some of you on Saturday.