Emotional spew, feel free to look away

[hlmauera]

I've shut down emotionally.  I recognize this.  I even know why, but I don't know how to fix it, or honestly, if I want to. I keep people at arms length because it hurts less.

My family means everything to me but several years ago, I realized that it's not reciprocated in the same way.  Mostly, I find myself treated as an irritant that they can't get rid of and have to tolerate.  I'm always the "trouble maker" on family vacations because the voice of one can't be heard over the clamor of many unless I'm pushy and loud.  I've decided not to go on any more family vacations unless I can be totally independent in my lodging, transportation, and time (this doesn't include family visits, which are a different kettle of fish).

I don't fit any mold they can put me in- I'm not married so there is no husband to engage with.  I'm not a parent so there is no child being brought  in to enlarge the family and play with the cousins.  I barely make ends meet so I can't contribute large presents, help with financial needs, or otherwise contribute financially to the family.  My life doesn't resemble theirs in anyway and they just don't know how to relate.

When I realized I wouldn't have a husband and children, I started shutting down.  At first I thought- I'll have nieces and nephews to enjoy who I can play doting aunty to.  But the reality is, my nieces and nephews hardly know me.  I didn't have the funds to drive to Boise frequently to get to know the eldest ones and they weren't flush with funds to come here.  There were no phone calls because they didn't have long distance and I couldn't seem to catch anyone at home.  Now I have a new niece and it starts again. My Brother and SIL were very eager to have me involved with their child before she arrived.  They knew I felt the lack of children in my life. But children come with their own sets of worries and time constraints and the reality is I haven't seen her since she was 3 months old and she turns one next month.  I haven't talked to them in months because they don't answer when I call and can't seem to make time to call me back.  So, I've drawn back, disinvested myself in her.  I put aside all the things I wanted to make for her, because it was too much and while welcome, not loved.   I'll fly down for her birthday, because Mom and Dad are buying a ticket for me.  But it will be a whirlwind visit with little time to connect.  I'll float along the periphery in her life, like I have with her cousins.  I'll be like my second cousin that no one thinks to call unless there is some big family do and then he's an after thought, and he knows it.

I've tried to reach out, in every instance, but every time my overature is ignored or spurned, I'm less inclined to try again.  When I'm with them I draw back, try to hide in the shadows so that I'm not the problem again.  But then they say I'm being pouty or anti-social. I can't seem to find a place to fit in or a role to fill.

This gets extended to my friends because they too, are all in different places in their life and finding a role to fill, a place to fit is just as challenging. I stay apart and alone in most situations for fear of overstepping the bounds of friendship.  I just don't know how to engage any more.

I've resigned myself to being alone in my old age because no one will be around who knows me enough to care. But it makes me weep.

Comments

[corvideye.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's hard when people won't meet you half way. But don't write yourself out of your new niece's life yet... there's time. Maybe instead of trying to fit into a niche you can make your own shape.