The end and the beginning...

The question of the day was intriguing so I thought I'd attempt to answer it:
How was the year 2015 for you -- what was the most important thing that happened to you this year? With 2016 about to dawn on us, what things are you looking forward to (or dreading) the most about the new year? If you make resolutions at this time of year, how good are you at keeping them as time goes by?

2015 was pretty discouraging but it still had some beautiful moments.  I started the year feeling useless and unwanted.  News that was joyous was also really difficult to bear from shear jealousy.  The focus on the coming baby, her traumatic birth, and subsequent visits kept focusing my vision on what I don't, and will never, have and I am still struggling to find a better focus.  Then work decided to unravel on me and after several rejections for new jobs, I had to accept a demotion to keep my paycheck and my current work load.  I'm struggling with the "Do I stay or do I go." dilemma still.  I don't want to be here but with 16 years in and a lot of accumulated knowledge, I'm having trouble leaving too.  My thoughts have focused on Fish and Wildlife or Forrest service right now; something that might get me back into a more, "natural" environment once in a while.  I have a position I want to apply for and I will try to do that this weekend.  It does mean trying to tweak my resume so it doesn't look like I got demoted, especially since it had nothing to do with my performance but was a "reorganization".
I can't pin point a most important thing but I've had to do a lot of evaluating and re-evaluating of my life which is important, even though it's difficult.

I'm looking forward to focusing on more positive things, taking action to give myself some time and space to be me, and simply to going forward and trying new things.  I hope to find a new job or to find new focus in the one I have if I don't find what I'm looking for yet.  I'm dreading the job search and the process of starting in a new place but I also dread continuing with the status quo.  It's time to move forward.

I usually make goals with a resolution to make progress towards them.  This year I didn't make goals and I didn't feel like I made any progress so I need to make the goals and work towards the growth that comes with accomplishing them.  I am still thinking about what they should be but hopefully I'll have something more concrete by Monday.  Right now just spitballing: I know I want to get back to hiking but I need to find a companion to go with now that my Mom is not available, or I need to find a way to be comfortable with going by myself.  I need to get into a regular exercise routine but I'm struggling with this one.  I would love to swim 3 days a week but there isn't a pool available when I want to be able to swim at a cost I can afford.  I can do zumba at home but that's challenging to maintain.  I want to spend some time making and doing things for me.  Almost all of my vacation this last year was spent in the pursuit of family related activities.  I love my family but don't usually find that time restful or rejuvenating. I want to get to Washington and see the boys and the rest of my chosen family.  I want to take some time to do something fun for me.  I'd like to go to the coast with my girlfriends and make a weekend for us to just relax and do fun things together- we always seem to work.  I have access to the condos I can make this work if they want to go.    I want to knit for me but I also would like to get some Christmas presents done ahead of time so the last 3 months of the year is so pressure filled.  I need to figure out how to balance the needs of my house and garden with my need for rest and not continuous work.  I wonder if I can afford to have someone come and mow the lawn or clean the house occasionally.  I will continue to read for my own pleasure and I don't have to feel like I have to be doing or learning something to do so.  I will learn new things.  I still haven't gotten my first aid certification and I still want to do that.  I have a new book on Brioche knitting that I want to try.  The university has an 18 credit Graduate Fisheries and Wildlife certificate but I'm not sure it qualifies for staff rates or if I'm willing to commit to going back to school.  I definitely can't take on more loans so I'd only be able to take one class a term but it's something to think about.  Maybe I can make an appointment with an advisor to find out the feasibility.  I should probably take a beginning stats class- maybe I'll see if I can con the college into paying for it.  I really don't like the idea of going back to school but I like the idea of learning...

Anyway, I'll work to develop some concrete plans and get back to this later.  In the meantime, I have one concrete resolution, and I hope it's one that others will share: "Don't let the fear win.  Love whole heartedly and unreservedly because it is only pure love that overcomes fear."