Working through the anger...

I'm working through (literally) the anger in my work situation. It helps that most of the faculty are well informed and supportive. However, I'm discovering, on the other side of anger is depression, fueled by a feeling of failure, worthlessness, and helplessness. This is harder for me to deal with. While I am NOT suicidal, I can see where people get to a point where they truly feel it would be better for their loved ones if they were gone. I feel like a drain on everyone around me and can't see a way out of that situation. Nothing has changed, I'm just feeling it more. It's hard to look for a job when you feel like you have nothing to offer. My skills are hard to define and a lot are specific to my position.

I am so tired of everything. I could use a break but I'm afraid the next two weeks, while filled with family weekend activities will continue to just drain my reserves. I'm driving to Boise tomorrow for my nephew's graduation party. I will have to deal with the dietary things that no one else understands, which is frustrating. Then on Sunday I have to drive back as far as Bend where I will stay overnight with a colleague and do a training session at the Cascades campus on Monday. Then the dog and I will head back to Eugene (I've grabbed my parent's dog as a traveling companion). Tuesday, I have to be in Corvallis at the Honda dealership by 7:45 to leave my car for the recall service. After they pick me up in the afternoon, I have to run home, take the dog to the kennel for three days, go to my parent's house to pick the strawberries and water the garden. Thursday I pick up the dog from the kennel and leave Friday morning to go to my brother's house in the San Francisco bay area. I'll spend Saturday at my SIL's baby shower, Sunday with my brother and SIL, hopefully celebrating my birthday, and then Monday I'll drive home. Then it's back to work on Tuesday doing interviews for someone to replace one of our retirees. And the summer goes on long from there. I'm doing a lot of training and designing for Taskstream. I'll make at least two more trips to Bend, as long as I'm still here.

Frankly, I would like to take two weeks to a month off and give my notice while I'm gone but I can't even contemplate that until I have another job. And we've circled back around to depressing.