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Christmas cheer is lacking...
Dec. 11th, 2014 07:37 pmYou may have noticed a decided lack Christmas cheer...or really any mention of Christmas at all this year. There are reasons for that:
I am trying, however. I had my first appointment with a counselor to try to develop some coping strategies but hopefully we can do a little more than that.
It was very hard to make that call because it added to my feelings of failure. Intellectually, I know that a counselor is a useful/profitable tool and she has an arsenal of tricks I don't have, but emotionally, I feel like I should be able to do this myself.
It was interesting how often my lack of a partner and children came up in our first session. I guess I feel like I've failed because I don't have them, partially because of societal norms and family expectations, but I'm projecting my perceptions on others and interpreting that everyone thinks I'm a failure. I also compare myself to my perceptions of my brother and find myself lacking. I guess I've heard enough unfavorable comparisons (which probably only has to be one) to feel like my perception is shared by others, particularly my family. Of course, I don't know that, and probably shouldn't make it my business, but it matters to me. I want my family to be proud of me, not just love me anyway. However, I can't do much about how they think and feel, so I'm working on changing my own internal dialogue.
Of course I'm not sure how much counseling I can afford, even though my insurance pays the majority. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear.
I am also knitting like a mad woman trying to get 7 more projects finished. Some will be delayed until 12th night but others are needed by whenever we celebrate Christmas. (That "whenever" isn't helping!) I chose simple projects this year but I'm trying to do something for everyone I traditionally give a gift to. And even simple gifts take time.
I've accomplished a lot but not enough:
Of course the mitts are all in pairs but it's impossible to take a picture of both or your own hands. The scarfs need to be blocked and everything should have a finishing bath. But that will happen either a couple nights before or when I finish the knitting, which ever comes first. I usually gift to 14 people. I want to add one more this year but I'm not sure I'll have time and she'd understand if it was late (my birthday gift arrived in September and my birthday is in June). Huh, I guess I'm half way done. I also want to buy a few things to go with some of these gifts, mostly because there are a few for whom knitted things don't have much value and a purchased gift would be more appreciated.
Simon is still rather unhappy with me about this interloper I brought home and he's especially unhappy right now because I'm dog sitting my parent's dog. She's outside, and very unhappy about that, but he's still not okay with it. On top of that, he seems to have injured one of his legs- probably rough housing and pulling a muscle. He is playing, in a way, Helix but it all has to be on his terms or he starts growling again. I miss the daily loves and kisses from him. Right now they are rather sporadic. (Animal drama, who knew it could be so traumatic).
Anyway, this isn't getting the knitting done so off I go. I'm trying to get more Christmas cheer but it's particularly difficult this year.
- I'm STILL sick, in fact I went back to the doctor today- It was 3 weeks yesterday and viruses usually only last 7 days. He decided a course of antibiotics was called for so I'll get that started tonight.
- There has been a lot of work and animal stress that has sapped my energy.
- Trying to figure out holiday foods I can eat stresses me out.
- I don't actually have any plans for Christmas since we won't be going to my brother's house until the day after. I'm sure there are family expectations for something but I am not clear on what they are yet.
- The thought of everything I have to do yet to be ready fills me with anxiety.
- I'm dealing with a bout of situational and seasonal depression, which along with all of the above has sapped every feeling of cheer and all energy from my body.
I am trying, however. I had my first appointment with a counselor to try to develop some coping strategies but hopefully we can do a little more than that.
It was very hard to make that call because it added to my feelings of failure. Intellectually, I know that a counselor is a useful/profitable tool and she has an arsenal of tricks I don't have, but emotionally, I feel like I should be able to do this myself.
It was interesting how often my lack of a partner and children came up in our first session. I guess I feel like I've failed because I don't have them, partially because of societal norms and family expectations, but I'm projecting my perceptions on others and interpreting that everyone thinks I'm a failure. I also compare myself to my perceptions of my brother and find myself lacking. I guess I've heard enough unfavorable comparisons (which probably only has to be one) to feel like my perception is shared by others, particularly my family. Of course, I don't know that, and probably shouldn't make it my business, but it matters to me. I want my family to be proud of me, not just love me anyway. However, I can't do much about how they think and feel, so I'm working on changing my own internal dialogue.
Of course I'm not sure how much counseling I can afford, even though my insurance pays the majority. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear.
I am also knitting like a mad woman trying to get 7 more projects finished. Some will be delayed until 12th night but others are needed by whenever we celebrate Christmas. (That "whenever" isn't helping!) I chose simple projects this year but I'm trying to do something for everyone I traditionally give a gift to. And even simple gifts take time.
I've accomplished a lot but not enough:
Of course the mitts are all in pairs but it's impossible to take a picture of both or your own hands. The scarfs need to be blocked and everything should have a finishing bath. But that will happen either a couple nights before or when I finish the knitting, which ever comes first. I usually gift to 14 people. I want to add one more this year but I'm not sure I'll have time and she'd understand if it was late (my birthday gift arrived in September and my birthday is in June). Huh, I guess I'm half way done. I also want to buy a few things to go with some of these gifts, mostly because there are a few for whom knitted things don't have much value and a purchased gift would be more appreciated.
Simon is still rather unhappy with me about this interloper I brought home and he's especially unhappy right now because I'm dog sitting my parent's dog. She's outside, and very unhappy about that, but he's still not okay with it. On top of that, he seems to have injured one of his legs- probably rough housing and pulling a muscle. He is playing, in a way, Helix but it all has to be on his terms or he starts growling again. I miss the daily loves and kisses from him. Right now they are rather sporadic. (Animal drama, who knew it could be so traumatic).
Anyway, this isn't getting the knitting done so off I go. I'm trying to get more Christmas cheer but it's particularly difficult this year.
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