Feeling invisible....

I spent the greater part of An Tir West War feeling invisible.  I tried to assess why this was, and solicit input to see if it is something I am doing or if it's just coincidence.  The best feedback I got was "You are so quiet and still- even when you are knitting, it's very small movements- that you just blend into the background and we forget you are there."

Well, I'm not sure how to do differently.  I don't like being loud and in fact I would have said that I talk too much.  I learned from a young age in such a boisterous extended family that I couldn't really make my voice heard over all the other vibrant voices; so unless it was really important, I didn't bother to try.  I will make my voice heard if it is important, and people tend to listen when I do.

I am often still.  The things I enjoy doing require stillness and small movements- embroidery and knitting, for example.  I also have a back injury that, although I endeavor to try to be active and resilient, appreciates stillness.  I grew up in a house without a television and where quietness and stillness was valued.  I still value those things and find myself completely overwhelmed in a noisy crowd.   In a group, if I am still and quiet, I can observe a lot of things about a lot of people.  I read body language and hear important details.  I learn more about people by being quiet than I ever do by talking.

I'm not unhappy with the fact that I am quiet and still.  I like that about me but I am struggling with being invisible.  Being invisible means that people are indifferent to your presence.  Indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love.  Feeling unloved and unlovable, is devastating to me. No protests from you here- this isn't about making you feel guilty and I'm not really looking for validation that people love me.  Words to that effect, don't mean anything if there is no action to back them up.  The reality is that it's no one's JOB to make sure I'm included, but if no one cares if I'm there or not...why should I bother to be there.  I seem to leave every SCA event recently feeling unwanted and uncared for and since, right now, I can't pin down exactly how to pursue what I'm passionate about, (or even what that is sometimes) I go to events because I love the people.  If the people don't care that I'm there, what is the point?

As I am thinking on this, I decided to re look at my Love Languages.  They have changed a bit as I get older and perhaps more practical.  My results, aren't all that surprising, (although I do love giving and receiving gifts):

9 Acts of Service
8 Quality Time
8 Words of Affirmation
4 Physical Touch
1 Receiving Gifts
( Read about the first three )

So, where does that leave me.  I guess, I'll experiment.  Maybe I need to hang out with different people.  Maybe I need to work harder to find a way to do the things that make me excited.  I'll try immersing myself in a project.  I'll try putting myself out there more.  Someone suggested that I see if the Princess needs help with retinue since I know that's something I'm good at and enjoy. My choice right now is to see if I can do something to improve my own feelings.  If it doesn't work, then maybe down the road, the SCA won't be my choice any more but I want to do everything I can first to see if I can make it work for me.