Semi Post-depressive episode

I've been struggling with mild depression- you know the kind where you wish you weren't alive and don't feel like there is any reason to keep living but aren't interested in doing anything  dramatic.
I know the blessings and challenges exercise is designed to help with that, but I just didn't have what it took to do it.  So I wallowed for a few days but then I just realized that we have to keep on keeping on, even when it doesn't seem worth it.  I still don't feel happy but I'm just plugging away at things, because what else can I do?

You know that saying..."I try to take one day at a time...but lately several days have attacked me at once."  That's what it feels like right now.  It's nothing major but just all these little things piling up.  Money worries stress me out, even though I know I'm luckier than many people. My surger started misbehaving and even with a time out and a car ride it didn't stop (sometimes that is all it takes when it is just being tempermental), so I had the repair man take a look at it and it is going to cost a little over $200 to repair it.  One of the tension units is shot and it needs a new needle plate.  The good news is that it still retails at $1000 which is what I paid for it several years ago (more than 5 years ago, less than 15).  There aren't very many piece of equipment that retain their value that way.  I know, this is a luxury but I make most of my clothes and they last better when I can surge all the seams.

There are several repairs that I need to make on my house but I just don't have the money to do it.

• I need gutters put on the back porch so it stops creating a bog and doesn't blow water onto the wood quite as much ($100-200?).


• The porch planking needs to be replaced because it is rotting out (I haven't even tried to figure out the cost- the wood itself would be about $650)


• The house needs new windows and this only feels urgent because there is a lot of condensation and cold air and many of them don't lock.  Obviously, I can't afford to do this.  It's probably cheeper to do it all at once but I suspect I will be doing one or two windows a year when I get my tax returns ($400-600/window not including the large picture window and the patio door).


• The garage has footer that are rotting away because they weren't properly protected, this needs to be repaired but since it requires the partial removal and rebuilding of a wall, that's going to have to wait until better weather returns (and I'm going to have to have someone other than my dad do it, I suspect) ($?).


• I need to have the univited guests chased out of the crawl space, a vapor barrier put down, the access points secured, and the pipes wrapped ($600+).


• I need an electrictian to wire the attic fan and install a light ($?)


• I would like a new dishwasher as this one is a bit tempermental ($300-600?)

That's my off the cuff list and I know many homeowners have the same kind of lists.  There are other issues I'm forgetting and there are a number of cosmetic things that would be nice to repair but aren't necessary.  It just starts to get overwhelming and I can't even plan because I don't know when I might have the funds.

Add into the money concerns the desire to have Christmas gifts to give to my family and close friends.  I haven't managed to save money for this during the year with the other expenses.  I prefer to hand make things, but really, I have just a little over a month and nothing made, at least nothing specific to an individual.  I dont' know yet whether I will be able to be with my family at Christmas.  When Christmas falls on a Wednesday, it makes a mess of the university schedule. We haven't been able to figure out office coverage for that week yet and because the family is going to CA, I need to have the week off in order to be there on Christmas.  I've asked the Dean for help with this because the perception is that Paula and I are responsible for the office coverage- even though it's not in either job description.

Work is still stressful and I'm not any more confident even though the first follow up was positive.  Anytime anyone expresses a concern, I panic.  I'm also irritated with the new supervisor who seems to be preferencing any conversation regarding staff supervision with "well because of Kristin's problem...."  That's a serious breach of confidence and against every HR regulation in the book and she's doing it with the staff I used to supervise. But that's all heresay so I have no recourse.  Also, because of the reprimand, I am not eligible for either of the two raises scheduled for this year...a total of possibly a 6% increase.  AND because of the new structured system for professional faculty, I'm listed as being at the high end of my scale and will not be eligible for additional raises (other than COLA if they do that) for several years.  So I'm stuck at a salary that isn't quite making ends meet in a comfortable way for several years with expenses rising annually ($400 increase in my property taxes this year!)

I wanted to get contacts because I really hate wearing glasses, especially during the rainy season (erm... this is Oregon is there anything but?). I called and made an appointment, at which point the told me that there are fitting fees for contacts that are not covered by the insurance.  The insurance will cover a portion of the first fitting fee but not the second or third or any more that are necessary.  Since I have an astigmatism, I will require turic contacts, which are weighted and require careful fitting.  This office requires a minimum of two fittings and they are the only office covered in Eugene, that I am aware of.  So... if I get contacts it's going to cost $100+ but if I select my glasses carefully it won't cost anything.  Glasses are affordable but damn it!  I want contacts.

On a minor note, the hard drive on my work computer crashed and I'm working on a laptop without my normal access.  It's a small thing and I didn't lose any data because I don't save to my hard-drive but it's not very conducive to work being completed.

I think my depression is because everything is just out of my control and not in a happy way.  I'm trying to let go but it's really stressful and frustrating to have nothing overwhich I feel I have control.