Feelings of Failure....

I was talking to Ceridwen the other day, excited about their news and wanting to offer to help in any way I could and we got off on a bit of an SCA tangent. I said something that surprised me, but maybe shouldn't.

I said that the fact that so few in the SCA know me any more made me feel like a failure, like I had failed to make any difference in my 15 years in the society. It's true, I've struggled to find a proper place in the SCA now that I have other priorities. The fact that my free time is taken up by my house and other responsibilities, means I don't have the really cool garb I'd like to have and I haven't worked on any crafty type things in quite a while. I miss that creative outlet. Things feel a bit like a grind right now. I also realize that I am a perfectionist and if I don't think I can do something right, I don't even start it. I let really big projects get sidelined because I don't know where to start. And that also makes me feel like a failure. There was this dress...I really wanted to recreate it, but I didn't know where to start, even the smallest step felt too huge. But now, I can't start it because I can't wear it and that is saddening too.

I've tried to redirect, but nothing stirs my interest quite as much as late period European clothing. Besides, there are extant examples and portraits to look at. Persian looks interesting, but there is little extant and not much to go on. Anyway, I think I've said this all before. This creative outlet isn't going to make me feel like I've made a difference anyway.

So what can I do to make a difference and still be within the realm of reasonable responsibility? To be honest, I return home from work so weary that I can't even think straight; adding something may not even be possible. And maybe I just need to find my joy instead.

I know, that in a small way, I've made a difference to Durin and Ceridwen by helping with their principality retinues and, I hope to continue that, as they take this next step, but I do that out of love and friendship for them, not necessarily the Society.

When I first started in the SCA I stepped up as principality Chatelaine and created a pretty complete handbook, which no one after me ever used. I served as a baronial rapier marshal, when no one else wanted to do it, but people felt I was too cautious/serious about safety. I stepped up as Baronial Seneschal when the previous seneschal vacated the seat suddenly. During that tenure I dealt with a lot of SCA Crap that no one needs to know about and it was a pretty rocky time for the Barony. I don't think anyone has fond memories of that time, or me. I've worked gate at Egils for, I think 14 of 15 of the Egils I've been to- I haven't always been in charge but I have worked. I like seeing people come through the gate, but I've come to sort of resent the fact that I never get to see any other part of the event until Sunday because I'm always at gate. Ceridwen noticed that and has "banned" me from gate this year (she says I can work if I want to but she'd rather I enjoyed the event). I've done a lot of things that "needed to be done" but I haven't really done much that is just for me.

I think part of the problem is being alone. I find work to do because otherwise I wander around by myself feeling lonely. My friends are of the busy sort and if I'm not working by their sides, I may not get to spend time with them. Apparently, I need some all consuming hobby that I can do at events, in public, that doesn't preclude visiting, but can be intriguing enough to keep me from noticing when I'm sitting by myself. Right now I knit but sometimes that's not absorbing enough to keep me from being lonely and noting that I could be knitting at home in more comfort.

I've had some experiences in 15 years where people, who were well intentioned, essentially told me I wasn't good enough to be doing a particular thing and so they took it away. Charter painting comes to mind. Someone took a charter away from me and told me they'd have to fix it so I probably shouldn't do any more. I haven't picked up a brush since. I was really excited about the tailor shop too but the reality of manning it alone with no participation took the fun out of it, and then others decided they could do it better and I wasn't invited back. C'est la vie! But I'm finding it hard now to be involved. I have no particular skill that anyone wants to learn. I have no particular knowledge to impart that someone else can't do better. I don't have time and energy to cultivate either knowledge or skill right now. I've always told people if they were bored in the SCA, they weren't looking hard enough for something to do. Perhaps I need to look harder but I still don't know where to start.

I can no longer rapier fight, on doctor's orders. Heraldry doesn't hold much interest to me, either voice or book. I really like artsy things but that doesn't mean I'm good at them (see charter painting above;>D) and I dislike not being at least competent at something. I like embroidery but it has to be useful or on a useful object or I feel like I'm wasting time. I love learning and research but it takes time which is something in short supply in my life.

So...anyone have ideas?

Did anyone even read this?

Do I hear crickets?

;>)

Please comment if you can contribute.