Ruminating...

It's no secret that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  You can see it in my shape and I see it on the scale. I turn to food when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when I'm excited...you get the idea. Being hungry makes me as growly as a bear.  I know that having to diet makes me unreasonably angry and just plain unreasonable.  I've been ruminating on the root of this issue for a while.

I know I have a very efficient metabolism.  I did water aerobics for an hour a day three days a week for a year, I recorded and limited every bite I ate for 6 months of that time, and I dropped 2 lbs.  I'm never going to have an easy time losing weight. (And please don't tell me about the most recent diet that works wonders- see above about anger management).

I think, though, I have come to the root, and I'm not sure it's something I can fix.  Food is my comfort.  I live alone.  I get very little in the way of physical affection.  My body aches and pains prevent me from doing some things that I like doing (yes, it's a vicious cycle).  I  deny myself somethings I like to do because of religious convictions, or time constraints related to religious convictions.  I have a few really good friends but not so much time to spend with them or they with me. Money limits a few other things I'd like to do.  So for major sources of comfort I have knitting, kitties, and food.  And in that mix, food is pretty high on the list.  There are a few other things that figure in in more minor ways.

So, if you tell me I have to take away one of my prime sources of comfort, you will see a lot of anger.  And it doesn't seem so unreasonable to me in that context.  I don't really know how to fix it because I don't see how I can change it.  So for now, my goal of increasing my exercise and trying to be reasonable about my diet is my best solution.  It's still not helping me lose weight but maybe it will help me be in better shape.  I've been getting up at 5:00 in the morning three days a week to do 20 minutes of Zumba, two days a week I get up early and do 20 minutes of Yoga, and one day a week (Saturday) I try to get in a full 60 minutes of Zumba.  I should add in some strength training but I'm not sure where to fit it in and Sunday is my day of rest.   20 minutes in the morning is my limit due to time constraints, and evening workouts don't fit into my schedule or my biorhythms very well. I know that it helps me mentally; I feel more alert (except right at 8:00 am when I'm ready to crash for a nap). Amazingly, I don't seem to hurt as much as I did when I was doing water aerobics- maybe because I'm not putting as much time in at once.

Gastric surgery isn't an option for me, at the current time, although, I understand the gastric sleeve is a much better solution than the bypass was.  I still have too many digestive issues that would complicate the end results.  However, aside from my weight, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health yesterday.  I take medications to facilitate some of that, but they are doing their job without complications and I am ok with some better living through chemistry.

However, having seen two acquaintances drop dead of a heart attack this year when they were both younger than me has made me a little concerned for my heart health.  Having a panic disorder, a back injury, and gallstones pretty much ensures that I probably wouldn't be able to tell if I were actually having a heart attack rather than some other issue.  My dad has a heart stint and my grandmother had a heart attack when she was 80 but otherwise there is no family history.  The best I can do, I expect, is get my regular check ups and continue my exercise regime.  The Dr. also encouraged me to maintain my vitamin D levels- apparently vitamin D has been discovered to be very important in heart health.

I'm open to suggestions, as long as it doesn't involve dieting. ;>D