Missing out...

I think I've said this before but I love children--not so much the ill behaved ones but I don't mind frisky children. For years I imagined that I would have a brood of 2-4 when I grew up. But, the right man never came along who could share in that dream (which in my universe includes marriage). So I passed my 35th birthday, after which I swore I would not have biological children because of the increased risks of birth defects. I know they may be minimal but there are so many children that need good homes anyway, why take that sort of risk?

So I really think I should be a mother. I think I have a lot to give to a child. But I don't have a two parent home or a male role model for a child to look to. I don't see this as such a big deal if I adopt out of foster care because I think a single parent home is far better than being bounced from foster home to foster home. However, I'm not sure I have the energy and ability to raise a child by myself. And if I did, it would mean a huge change in life style and probably some separation from people I currently spend a great deal of time with.

I had hoped to be able to share this with Robert and Carrie but as life goes on, it looks less and less likely to happen and frankly I think a child might find that situation a little confusing. We had hoped to maybe find a duplex to share where we could have our own spaces and yet be close enough to eat meals together and visit frequently. However, such a situation has been difficult to locate and has proven to be expensive beyond my means. If it's to happen, I'll have to get a substantial raise, which, given that I work for the state, is highly unlikely. Scheduling wise, having three people to help would be about the only way to raise a child, still work, and not have the entire check going to pay for child care. I could get up and get the child up and ready to go to school. With Carrie's current schedule, most days she could be home until the child goes to school and be there when he or she gets home from school. That way Robert and I could still work full time and pay the bills. However, I don't know if that's fair to Carrie or even something she is interested in- it seems to make her more of the "mother" than me. I could look into working .75 FTE but that and "substantial raise" don't go very well together.

I thought about Foster care but all the above issues still apply. I can't work full time and have foster kids. Besides I think foster kids will break my heart. I'm not completely discarding the idea, I'm just not sure.

I'm feeling very impatient, I'm really tired of waiting for my life to start. Maybe this is all I'm destined to do and being a mother isn't in the cards. And that, my friends, makes me incredibly sad.