Common Kibitzing

We needed more stress

Thu, 30 Jul 2020 15:33:05 GMT

Dad is in Green Valley for rehab. No visitors are allowed in the facility but you can talk to him through the window in his room. However, Dad is very confused and we aren’t sure why. At one point he thought my cousin Harley was a CNA there and at another my nephew Jordan. (Anyone who knows Jordan would understand how unlikely a career choice this would be for him). Sometimes when we visit he’s perfectly clear and other times he’s beligerant, angry, or confused or a combination of all. We don’t really understand since this confusion is only happening since the surgery but hopefully it will clear.

He has fallen six out of the last seven days because he won’t wait for anyone to help him. Yes, he’s still stubborn. But he walked 25 feet in the parallel bars during PT so he’s making progress on strengthening.

His speech is often garbled. He’s having trouble opening his mouth and he tries to go too fast for his Parkinson’s mush mouth to keep up. If he slows down and speaks up you can usually at least piece together what he’s saying.

It’s so frustrating! For him especially-he knows he’s “mixt up” as he texted mom. Some days I visit with my Dad and sometimes I visit with my grandpa in his latter days (beligerant, angry and telling fantastical stories) and sometimes it’s a person I don’t recognize much at all.

Mom is also baffled but we are working with the nurse to see if we can figure it out. If we can clear his confusion, he’ll have a better chance of not falling and coming home sooner. At the moment, it’s looking like he may be in rehab for months, as long as he continues to make progress.

When I visited with him on Monday he was very clear. Knew where he was and why. Knew why we couldn't come in. But he was mixed up on the time- day and night have flip flopped. I guess when you have no schedule that happens. It's like taking a nap in the afternoon and not knowing if it's am or pm when you wake up.

Unfortunately, on Tuesday we got the message that the rehab facility has a positive COVID case. That's scary in a huge way. We can't take dad out, he's not capable of self care or motion yet and it takes two people to transfer him.

Then mom wasn't feeling well but I think she's probably getting too much sun and not enough water and isn't taking care of herself like she should..

My anxiety is pretty high right now.

comments

Thu, 09 Jul 2020 00:11:10 GMT

My dad fell last night, while attempting to help mom with some yard work. He has Parkinson's and is very unstable on his feet. He landed on his head and ended up breaking his neck. C7 is fractured in 3 places and unstable. He's in the hospital in a rigid C-Collar until surgery on Friday. Mom can stay with him, and is, but no one else can even visit so I can't see him. He's well medicated and sleeping most of the time. The doctor said if it destabilized it would likely kill him so still and quiet is best.
It so hard to just sit here and wait. It's hard to have them both in a hospital situation where they are in more danger from COVID than at home. It's hard to stay focused on anything else with it in the back of my head.

comments

Mon, 20 Apr 2020 23:02:07 GMT

I made a little video of my garden this weekend: https://www.instagram.com/p/B_LBxlAntKO/

My parents came by to help me this weekend... I feel guilty but mom was 100% not concerned. I've been out about once a week during the "Stay Home Stay safe" order. We worked outside most of the day. We ate together and mom went with me to buy lunch but that was all the contact we had. We've all been very careful to wear masks when we go to public places and washing hands carefully. I hope it's ok.

We loaded the trailer with yard debris. Then took it to Lane Forest Products to dump and then refilled the trailer with 1.5 yards of compost (veggie boost) and I loaded up 5 20-gallon planting bags with hemlock bark. I distributed the bark among 10 20-gallon fabric planters (1/3 full) and put a little on the back shade bed. Then we topped of the garden beds and the bags with the compost. It was a whole lot of shoveling.

I also got all the seedlings transplanted. I'm going to have a ton of tomato plants which will need new homes. I'm thinking about raising cucumbers hydroponically. I don't have any luck normally. It would be an experiment this year. I think I'll get two 18-gallon totes and fill them with water and food and put a cucumber at each end. I want to make pickles!

I've got spring fever bad. All I want to do is spend time in the garden but it's really too early to put plants in. I'm also going to put weed barrier on the beds and plant through it. It should last longer than the black plastic so it's a little more environmentally friendly. I got the idea from several homestead videos. I've been making lots of plans but we'll see how it actually works out. I'm doing a little more companion planting and I'm planning to prune the tomatoes this year and see how that works. I've been watching way too many gardening videos but maybe I'll get a good harvest.

comments

Pandemic....

Wed, 25 Mar 2020 22:40:23 GMT

Life is a little surreal right now. We are in the middle of a pandemic: Coronavirus- Covid 19. The incredible amount of denial that populations are capable of is astounding. The level of disregard for other people that this virus has brought out in society are mind-numbingly horrifying. People are hording bath tissue, soap, hand sanitizers and many other necessities making in nearly impossible to find these things for regular use. I'm sure history will record all of these things. Our current president is giving out as much misinformation as anyone else and our governmental bodies seem more interested in the economy that people's lives. One congress man suggested that the elderly would be willing to die for the sake of the economy. I would beg to differ and how horrible that someone would even think that! Actually, though, here in the US the biggest demographic of infected people appears to be the 25-49 age group. However, no matter what the official word is, there is not a significant amount of testing happening. Many, many people have been unable to be tested because the tests are not available or they don't have the exact symptoms (fever of 101.4, dry cough etc) of the common perception. So the reality is that we don't know at all how many are actually infected.

I've been working at home since the 16th. The university closed it's campus on the 24th but all classes will be taught online. (I wonder what they are doing with PAC classes?) I'm fortunate that I can continue to work since I have no financial buffer if I suddenly find myself out of work. Our university has been very proactive in assuring employees that as much as possible we will continue to work. And for those who are not able to work, they are adding another 80 hours of paid leave to be taken. It seems like a lot but if this lasts for 18 months it won't be much. The state is offering unemployment benefits if you are out of work because of the virus and there are at least talks about suspending mortgage, rent, and utility payments for at least a period of time for those out of work due to the virus.

The states are responsible for deciding how to handle this, so far. The government is issuing recommendations and the states are making decisions about the best path forward. In Oregon, all non-essential businesses are closed (a hardship for small businesses for sure). We have been asked to shelter in place- we can leave our houses to work, buy groceries or food (available for pick up and delivery in most places but no delivery available in my town), go to medical appointments and other essential activities. We can also exercise outside as long as we can do so without coming within 6 feet of another person. This is enforceable by jail time or fines. I've been walking on my lunches as long as the weather allows. I live in a rural town so there are lots of roads through farmland that I can walk without seeing many people. I'm trying to avoid grocery shopping as much as possible- I have two freezers full of meat, fruit, and vegetables and a pantry with more fruit and vegetables. However, I am suffering from allergies this year and am going through the facial tissues at an alarming rate. I have 9 full rolls of toilet tissue and a couple boxes of facial tissue but no ability to get any more right now. I went to Costco and Bi-Mart on Saturday look for toilet and facial tissues particularly with no luck. I'll have to go again but for now I'm hiding out at home.

I'm worried about my parents who are in the demographic that is particularly at risk of death from this virus. Dad has Parkinson's which is particularly risky. Mom has had to go to the store nearly every day because things aren't available so you have to check back. I'm avoiding contact so we don't cross contaminate but I'm not sure they are taking it very seriously. I can at least talk to them every day.

The hospitals are nearing capacity and all Personal Protection Equipment is in short supply. They have been asking us to make cloth face masks for health care workers- can you imagine, in this age?! It's subpar for sure. I'm thankful for the people who are doing their jobs in health care, grocery stores, food preparation, truckers, postal workers, and so many more that are risking their health in this current situation to make sure the general population has what they need. If Amazon is still delivering when I get paid, I will try to purchase as much for delivery as possible. It still requires people to take risks but it seems the least risky of the options available to me.

There are, of course some beautiful things in all the drama: Entertainers providing free shows online, Museums, zoos, libraries and other public places providing free services online, and people going out of their way to help others when they can. Our schools are still making meals for children and providing places for them to pick them up (Sadly, if they don't a lot of children go hungry). Grocery stores are providing hours for just the elderly to shop. There are many many ways now to stay in touch and see people online. My friends and I are meeting via Zoom on our usual Tuesday night and, while it's not productive, it is human contact. My SCA group is planning a virtual event on Saturday and there is a lot of conversations online to support each other during these isolating times. I wish I were better at seeing these good things in the midst of the bad but it's so easy to do otherwise. There is lots of fodder for anxiety right now. My best hope is we come out of this better people and with better services in place.

Be safe and well, my friends!

comments

Tears and fears

Fri, 31 Jan 2020 21:13:07 GMT

My dad's younger brother, Gary, passed away this morning at 2:33 am. He's been on Hospice care for the last three weeks. He had Parkinson's and related dementia. He died of sepsis due to a stubborn Clostridium difficile infection. It was the fourth go round with sepsis due to this infection. On hospice care they don't do the invasive care and there was a lot of discussion about this before the decision was made. The treatment of the infection was so difficult for him that he had no quality of life. It's a terrible decision to have to make. In the end, we are glad he is not longer trapped in a body and mind that didn't function for him but we are going to miss him so much. He had a great smile and laugh.
I took some time this morning and ran over to the veteran's home where he was living to participate in their honor walk and flag ceremony for him. There were a lot of tears. (if you are going to cry may I recommend you have something other than Vics vapor rub infused tissues!!) It's a touching ceremony. (https://photos.app.goo.gl/YFHwuyTYjd2Ph2ao6) It was made more so by being performed by two of his
caregivers.
I took pictures this morning but I want to remember him this way instead. (he's on the right- that's uncle Jim on the left)

The fears? My dad is the older brother and also has Parkinson's which has turned him into an old man in just two years. I fear he's next and I just can't even contemplate it yet.

comments

Mon, 06 Jan 2020 23:26:21 GMT

2020....
Seems odd to be here; it’s supposed to be the future not today.
I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions I like to call them goals instead. And often times I don’t meet my goals, just like many leave the resolutions behind. But I find that life is better if I’m striving toward some goal.
I don’t like to use weight loss as a goal. I acknowledge that I am fat but being fat doesn’t mean that I am lazy or ugly or any of the unconscious associations we have with the word “fat”. However, this year when we took family photos, I was very uncomfortable being in front of the camera. I’d like to do something about that. With that thought in mind I’ve signed up for a tai chi class on Thursday nights with a friend. I recognize this is not necessarily a high intensity workout but it’s going to get me moving and help me with flexibility,stability, and balance. I also have the option at work to join the Adult Recess on Tuesdays and Thursdays at lunch. It’s essentially 30 minutes of adults playing recess games. We’ll see how that goes. I am hesitant to sign up for it right away because I don’t know if it will work with my schedule but I’m going to get a pass to try it out. My work friend and I already walk at lunch one day a week and we’re going to try to find a tennis court where we can play tennis when the weather gets nicer. These are little steps-that’s OK! I know that if I try to do some great big huge renovation of my life style that I will most certainly fail within a few weeks. So I’m making little steps to try to improve my health. That brings me to diet. I will not diet but I need to take control of my portion sizes. I need to cut down on the amount of sugar I consume, maybe even just generally the number of carbs I consume. It’s a lot harder to balance when you have a lot of dietary restrictions and the idea of not being able to eat one more thing is angering. I may need to make time to see a professional nutritionist. I saw a student nutritionist at work but they weren’t much help and they never followed up so maybe it’s time to find a professional. And speaking of professionals, I think maybe it’s time to see a professional counselor as well. I’ve noticed in the last month that I’m having a lot of difficulty connecting with people in all spheres of my life-maybe it’s time to get some help with that. My main concern with all of this is the expense but I need to figure something out.
My more fun goals are: To finish the crocheting and knitting projects I have going, as long as my hands will allow. I have a garter stitch scarf on my needles, a pair of socks, a lace scarf that I started many years ago and never got back to, a color work hat, and another pair of socks. I also have two afghans that I started crocheting and haven’t finished.
I didn’t quite reach my stretch goal on Goodreads of 130 books this year. I had 102 so I have set my goal for 110 this year.
I want to make some blouses this year. I always shy away From tops because they’re complicated. Especially getting the fit right. I also want to try to use more natural fibers while I’m doing my sewing.
Also, while going through my grandmother’s things, I found two Battenburg lace pattern written on old paper bags. I’d like to learn what to do with those. They’re intricate and detailed and I know nothing about making Battenburg lace. So, that’s my new skill to learn for this year. I always want to learn at least one new thing in a year because, I heard once that, “where growth stops, decay begins.” I want to keep growing.
I’m sure this year will have its challenges but I want to focus on the good things. I believe it’s OK to be upset and unhappy and complain about things, as long as you don’t stay there. Growth requires moving forward and you can’t move forward if you say mired in the past with its failures and challenges.
So here’s to a fresh new year full of new experiences, new friends and old friends, challenges and learning opportunities. May we all make the best of it!

comments

Measures of fitness....

Mon, 14 Jan 2019 16:59:50 GMT

One of my long term goals is to be fit and maintain a level of fitness. But the problem with that goal is that what "fit" means is different for every person. So what are my measures of fitness? How will I know that I am "fit?"
My measures are a little arbitrary but also involve flexibility and stamina. My brother's would probably involve a deadlift weight but mine don't. I don't honestly know if all of the measures are achievable for me at my age and with my injuries but I'd like to try to reach these markers. So, in no particular order my measures are:
Run five miles
5 minute plank
10 pull ups
20 push ups
Splits three ways
Headstand
Handstand

This is not a short term goal. At this point in my life, I'm lucky if I can run a couple of blocks. But it's a place to start and way to measure progress.

What are your measures of fitness?

comments

Black dog is talking

Thu, 25 Oct 2018 15:50:54 GMT

Marian and I served an excellent feast on Saturday. I took pictures!

But once again, all the comments I'm seeing are how great a job Marian did. SHE came in underbudget. SHE did an amazing job. *sigh* I agree, but she didn't do it alone. She did an awesome job of reminding people that she didn't do it alone. Every time someone made a comment to her, she always reminded them that I was her co-cook. There were a few people who made a point at the event of telling me thank you. I appreciate that. But I'm so damned tired of being invisible. It makes me want to throw up my hands and walk away.
I have no idea how to change this, except to cook a feast all on my own, but I have no desire to kill myself off just to open other people's eyes.

But right now, it's all lending itself in support of the black dog of depression who is telling me that I don't matter, that no one gives a damn about me, I make no difference in this world.

comments

Exploring happiness...

Wed, 17 Oct 2018 19:01:01 GMT

Last night I was in a room full of peers...the same people I'm with every Tuesday night- not because they are peers but because they are my friends. I decided to ask the question that has been on my mind recently- are there PLQs that I'm lacking that are cause for concern. The immediate answer was "NO!" But then we talked about giving the appearance of confidence. Karl said that I give the impression that I will break under pressure, although he knows I don't. So I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing to do give that impression and he wasn't either. Something to think about. But generally I don't project an air of confidence which seems to be something people do look for. So I need to work on that. But from there the conversation moved to finding what makes me happy in the SCA.
Trudi asked me to think about when I was last happy and what I was doing. I finally said, I don't know if I've ever been really happy, but I'm not unhappy. Erica agreed that she also doesn't have a default setting for happy. I hadn't thought about it much but quiet and content seems to be the best I get most of the time. And I think that's ok. However, I get more enthusiastic when I have a chance to get my geek on with costuming. Currently, I'm finding that I'm paralyzed by projects. First I have time constraints and second, I just don't know where to start. I start thinking about making something and then that I start thinking about needing to dye fabric but I want to use a natural dye and I don't know what that should be but I know I don't have it....and around and around I go and nothing gets done.
Erica suggested I make a project map that would help me break it down into smaller chunks. For that I have to actually decide on a finished project. So for a first project I want a 12th Century German Bliaut. As I understand it, the German Bliauts were a little looser and did not lace on the side. These were cut with rectangular construction. I have the argument that with a center front gore, there would be a center front seam but the artwork of that time doesn't seem to show seams. Still I cannot imagine someone weaving or purchasing a woven width of fabric and then cutting it in half. I think I will work on that premise unless someone convinces me otherwise.
But the step first:
Linen shift - Underdress- Bliaut- hair style- veil- shoes
Linen shift- shorter, rectangular construction, light weight linen (handkerchief weight).
Underdress- also linen but I would like to dye this with natural dyes- maybe use avacado skins and pits to get a nice pink color? Need to figure out the mordant. Or maybe black beans as a dye (http://www.mycrosspatch.com/blog/2016/06/10/natural-dyes-experimenting-with-black-beans/)? Or maybe I want to buy a prepared natural dye instead of trying to do it myself. (https://maiwa.com/pages/natural-dyes)
Should this dress be tighter more like the gothic fitted gown? Should it provide support? In that case, does it need to lace? How is it embellished?
Bliaut- Linen or wool. Document the color is achievable with natural dies since all my wool is already colored. Should it be lined? The sleeves must be. Silk sleeves with linen lining, or all over linen lining or just linen lined sleeves? Sleeve shape? It needs a belt that wraps twice around the body seems to be either leather or woven. I like the woven look but haven't mastered weaving nor do I have the supplies to try currently. Maybe Jay would make me one (I know he would but I need to give him the colored yarn, his eye is suspect). How is it embellished? Woven trim or embroidery? Location of trim?
Hair- Worn in two braids with ribbon wraps. Need appropriate ribbon.
Veil- Round or oval veil of light linen. worn with a forehead wrap of some kind and often a chin wrap.
Shoes- Turn shoes of leather. Might go with the older halfboot option. I know very little about this and have no tools for leather work but perhaps I can find someone who does.

Lots of places here to get paralyzed but I just need to make one decision at a time.

comments

It goes on and on and on and on....

Tue, 24 Jul 2018 17:55:34 GMT

My mom and I, under the somewhat frustrating direction of my father, started working on the deck on the 4th of July and work still continues with barely 1/3 of the work having been completed. We have worked Monday, Thursday, & Friday nights as well as all day on Saturdays but it's just time consuming work. Last night we add four boards- FOUR. Admittedly last night had some serious fitting issues since we had a faucet and a post to go around. We also took off two boards and cut down a post that was creating a bump in the deck.
We've appreciated the help of Ken and Judy Merkling, friends from church who came every night last week and so far this week to help. Ken and I get so much more done than Mom and I, mostly because dad stays out of the way and Ken has good skills. He's helped with all the fitting around obstacles and I know I wouldn't have done nearly as neat a job.
I'd like to share a photo but it looks like Dreamwidth doesn't play nice with google. Maybe the link will get you there.Yes! That seems to work, but let me know if it doesn't.
I'm so impatient to have this job done. I'm tired of never having a spare moment. And I'm just tired.
I'm playing around with google for photo storage. I've got photos on several different computers so it would be good to get them all consolidated. Also, since I'm not posting to FB I don't have a place to share them from. This seems a better alternative, so far.
I've made some time on Sunday's to make cards. This particular album has all the cards from my cell phone but the new ones are at the bottom.
This has been somewhat of a stream of consciousness between tasks at work so I'd better stop for now.

comments

This is a lonely place

Mon, 09 Jul 2018 17:31:28 GMT

I see many of my LJ friends have journals here but only one or two have allowed me access or have accessed mine so I don't see them any more. It's sad.
The house saga is a disappointing grind. I took Thursday and Friday after the fourth of July holiday to try to get the deck replaced.
Wednesday we finished tearing out everything and discovered what a slapdash job the builder had done. There was a lot of shoring up to do. The stringers were 30 or more inches apart and they have to be 15 and there was no cement around some of the posts and not enough posts to support the deck. So Thursday we spent the morning figuring out what we needed to do and what materials we needed to do it. Then we went and purchased those supplies, brought most of them home and unloaded them. That was the whole day.
Friday I went to Mom and Dad's where we set up the saw, cut the Trex boards from their last project into appropriate lengths and loaded half into the trailer. Mom and Dad had a funeral to attend in the middle of the day so we lost about 4 hours there. I kept working; I finished cutting the boards with the help of Chris Ballow who showed up to lend a hand. I took him to lunch and then we loaded a few boards into the car and headed to my house to unload them. I spent some time leveling the concrete pads we'd gotten to support the posts. Mom and Dad met me at the house with the trailer full of the Trex, which we unloaded. We then went back to get the rest of the Trex and unloaded it at my place, and thus ended the third day.
Friday we started cutting posts and placing them on squares of tar paper on the cement pads. We did some digging to put a pad under and existing post and to level out some of the ones I hadn't yet gotten to. There were seven new posts in all and one that given a new pad. Then we started reinforcing some of the boards that had been cut out around a stump that has since rotted away leaving collapsing holes and soft soft soil. We found a sink cleanout that had been previously unavailable and sorted out a way to access it. Thus ended the fourth long day. We started at 8:30am and ended between 6 and 8 pm each night. It was long hard work. But if you look at the pictures, you'd be hard pressed to see any of it at all. The picture from Wednesday looks about the same as the one from Saturday. It's so frustrating and discouraging. Now I'm going to have to spend every spare moment between now and whenever I get it done working on it alone.
The sawzall really jammed up my arms and I've got a lot of muscle and nerve pain in my right hand in particular but my left hand also, to some extent. Capsasum with lidocaine and a thumb brace to the rescue. Doing my hair is torture right now. I wake up during the night needing more pain relief and I can only lay on my back- no side sleeping. I'm actually really glad to be back at work today but I'll have to work on it again tonight when I get home.

comments

I'm going dark on FB for a while

Tue, 03 Jul 2018 20:55:40 GMT

FB has become source of angst for me. I find it very difficult to ask for help but this deck rebuild is taxing my abilities and so I asked for help. One person responded, who is perhaps not very capable of helping, but willing. None of my family, or close friends responded, even to tell me they were sorry they couldn't help. Such is the nature of FB. I don't know if the algorithms even allowed my post to be seen by my friends and family. I know it's bad timing for my SCA friends: Antir/West War and all, but a simple acknowledgement, sorry, I'll be at war, would be nice. Frankly, I don't honestly think anyone would volunteer even if they weren't at war but I don't have anyway of knowing.

This deck project has to be done. I have two uncles and two cousins who are in construction, as well as my brother. I have several other cousins who are able bodied and could help but there were no offers of help forthcoming. My brother was just confident that I could "figure it out," He's in CA, I don't expect him to come, really, but it would be nice if he could say something like- "I can't come now but I could maybe take a couple of days in..... and help you then." Nope, nothing. But I should take a couple of days off to come down and celebrate Lilly's birthday in August.

I'm so tired of putting myself out there and getting little to no return. I make and send birthday and anniversary cards to EVERY member of my family (85 cards a year), even some of my second cousins. I rarely even get a thank you and I have only one cousin who sends cards. I know people don't have time to make cards or sometimes even to know when birthdays are but a thank you would be nice. I don't make them for that reason but I'd hoped they would build a feeling of family between us.

I've always felt like the black sheep of the family. I don't know why I should be, but I am. Part of it is being an introvert in a very boisterous family. Part of it is having different political beliefs than 90% of my family. I love them all very much but sometimes I don't like them much. Honestly, If I could withdraw to myself and not interact with anyone right now, I would. I have no reserves and no energy. My hormones are running amok and I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there.

comments

Too long...

Thu, 07 Jun 2018 00:14:28 GMT

It's been more than six months since I've written here and at first it was an accident but then it became a conscious decision. But I also stopped journaling at home and I miss the reflection that I get when I write. I don't think daily writing in a journal when it's past bed time but I have to get it done is effective. I need to have some time to reflect and think in order to get some benefit from the practice. So hopefully this will be more purposeful.

Back in January, I went home one Friday thinking about all the potential of Salesforce and how to get it going and plans for the development. When I came in on Monday I was told we wouldn't be implementing Salesforce at this time and I was going to take that time and the time where I was doing HR and Finance and I was going to be doing exclusively Grant support for 50% of my job. There was no discussion, no conversation at all. It was a done deal and I had to adjust. I was angry and hurt and confused. I was looking for other work. But after six months of settling in to the new position, I really like it. I'm making it my own and I'm doing work that I've known needed done for years, we just didn't have the personnel for it. I function with fairly high levels of autonomy and coworkers have been very appreciative of the work I've been doing.

I've also had to train my supervisor to do all my former tasks (which has put a bit of a chip on my shoulder since she's professional faculty doing, exactly what I was doing but was told was only classified work). We've developed a good team and I'm "topping from below" as it were. I keep an eye on things and remind her when things are slipping. I've developed the processes that she's using and refine them when they don't work for her. But I don't have to do all the annoying things and it's just difficult enough work and outside of her scope that she's not good at it and people notice. I expect she'll get there but it's nice to hear "I sure wish you were still taking care of this, it worked much better then." I like her and she's been both an advocate and quick to acknowledge that she's leaning hard on me and couldn't do it without me. (I just got back from 10 days off and it hadn't been done while I was gone).

The work has been challenging- I just put together a budget for a six year grant that was for up to $6 million a year with a cost share. It was painstaking, fiddly work but I was super proud of what I accomplished. I've redeveloped the Research website and we are really close to going live. I need the primary Web developer to work some super secret magic with a calendar and it will be ready to go. To do that I've had to interview people and write stories; I'm actively looking for grant opportunities on a weekly if not more often basis and updating the website with those opportunities. It's challenging to deal with people at the last minute who need "Just some quick numbers," which are, of course, never quick but it's fun to rise to the occasion. I had an opportunity to have lunch with my mentor and former boss a few weeks ago and I like what he said: "what they don't understand, is that, no matter what they throw at you, no matter what they tell you to do, you take it on and you become an expert." I'm guessing that's not a common thing but I've mastered quite a few skills in my time here.

When I first decided to give the job a go, I figured to give it a year so that I could get good, marketable skills. After a couple of months, I sat down with my supervisor to talk about the job. We both would argue that it's not necessarily a classified position. There are people doing this work on campus in both classified and unclassified positions. Together we are compiling reasons why this should be an unclassified position- not the least is that I'm expected to be here to work on grant budgets regardless of my schedule. I was home sick and had to pull up data on grant proposals so it could be submitted to the provost the following day. My supervisor asked me to give the job a year and we would try to make the case for a reclassification. This means I could potentially get a raise at some point in my life- which is not possible in my current position.

I don't know what's going to happen with Salesforce. We still need it but I think the Dean is waiting for the university to do a central implementation, including a budget so that it won't be so costly to the College. I don't know who will take that on because I can't imagine that they will want to release my time back into it now that they've gotten a taste for having grant support. But we'll deal with that when we need to. I've gotten a lot of training and I've been encourage to keep up my skills while I'm working in this position. I doubt I'll get to go back to San Francisco anytime soon for more training in Salesforce but the Associate Dean of Research, with whom I'm working closely, would like me to find professional development opportunities in the future that would involve traveling to a conference out of state.

One of the things I appreciate about the position I'm in now is that I have a sense of comradery and teamwork that I haven't felt since my mentor left. There are three of us working on grant support that have developed a tight knit team. There are two groups on campus that support the work we do and so I am part of a larger effort. The administration work has developed a team that includes three of us in the office which includes my supervisor. That one is still a bit clunky but at least we are all working for the same goal. I've got a good relationship with my supervisor and we work really well together. Although the Dean and I have still not yet had any meaningful conversation, she asked my supervisor to put me in the grant support position not because I was the only one available but because she thought I would be good at it. I appreciate that she is paying attention, even though she's not developing relationships with the classified personnel. My stress levels are lower and I haven't needed my anti-anxiety medicine for quite a while.

However, in the last two months I've been self-medicating, with shopping sprees. I don't know what I'm medicating for though so I need to do some digging. I'm feeling quite pinched financially and am not making good decisions about my finances. I'm not getting anywhere unrecoverable but I need to have more care. I think partially, I had the year end catalog change for my Stampin' up! business. That always seems to take a large chunk of money at this time each year- trying to get the things that are being discontinued for my personal use, and trying to get a good chunk of the new products so I can promote them. Hopefully that will even out over the next few months. My income for this last month covered my purchases for this month so that's something. I also have been informed that it is time to get a new car. The mechanic knows my financial reluctance but recommended it anyway so it's time. I hate the idea of taking on a car loan. It means I have to cut back on the amount of money I'm putting on my school loans- that's the only way I can potentially afford a good reliable car for my 52 mile round trip to work everyday. I know I could buy a clunker for less money but that doesn't make sense. In the long run that will cost more money. I'm probably looking at a used Ford Edge but I'm trying to get some feedback from the mechanic before I buy.

My hot tub cost me almost $1400 to get working again and I need to service the heat pump, My porch has to be redone this summer but I have no knowledge or tools to do it. I'm going to have to figure it out though, because no one is volunteering to help. I have some money tucked away for that but perhaps not enough. My in-ground sprinkler unit has developed a bubbling geyser so I'm going to have to dig that up and repair it. Dad has a whole summer of back surgeries (3) and recoveries scheduled so he can't be of any help with the physical labor that I need although he'd probably armchair quarterback it. I found out that to remove the PMI on my mortgage, I'll probably have to refinance but given that I have a 2.75% interest rate, that's not an appealing option. I think the expenses have been flowing like water and I've just lost my resistance. It's all taking money so what's a little more. It feels like I'll never get ahead.

So it's up and down. Work is ok right now but money just gets tighter. I guess that's just the way life goes.

comments

Revisiting goals and navel gazing

Tue, 26 Dec 2017 18:15:08 GMT

It's been a while. I did really well for a while and then things kinda imploded and I was too busy to add to this journal. The busyness was accompanied by a bit of depression and I figured if I couldn't say something good it was better to not say anything at all. There was a bit of radio silence all around.
Part of the busyness was working on Durin and Ceridwen's clothes. Most of my help bailed so I ended up doing almost all of their sewing myself. I even had to do embroidery. It turned out fine but it wasn't the spectacular embroidery that other royalty has had or that other artisans are capable of. I just don't do that much of it so I haven't practiced my skills.
Their step down clothing turned out fine though:

At step down they gave me the Heart of the Summits award which was accompanied by a circlet. It was made even more special by the fact that Durin cut down Ceridwen's viscounty circlet and added the heart to it to give to me. That meant more to me than the award, honestly. However, the whole things was very cool.

After stepdown, I had a little sewing to do for my little niece. I made her a jacket and three dresses although all of them are a bit big. I also made sugar scrubs for Christmas presents. These were the only handmade gifts this year. I just didn't have time or inclination. I only got a picture of the coat.

We got some cute pictures of her and I and her and Papa and Gma at JC Penney's. That was fun.
We also went to see the carousel in Albany which was also amazing. I want to paint carousel animals! But I don't have the time to give. It's all volunteer hours.

Both of my siblings and their families came for Christmas. It's the first time we've all been together for Christmas and it was absolute chaos. 10 people, 5 dogs, 1 house. I was glad to retreat to my own home each night. I ended up taking my new anti-anxiety medication several days to handle the chaos. I love my family and, generally, I like spending time with them but I get overwhelmed by everyone at once. I was almost glad to be back to work today so that I don't have to deal with all the chaos.

Christmas eve we went to my aunt and uncles house where there were 20 of us and 7 dogs. Christmas day my aunt and uncle came down to my parent's house but without all the cousins so there were 13 of us and the 5 dogs. My brother's poor mastiff had to stay in his kennel most of the time they were here. He's still a puppy and he can nearly break legs with his enthusiastic tail.

We had the usual feast with the inevitable overeating. I need to get back on a controlled eating regimen and get my weight back under control. With the cold weather, I've wanted to eat all the food.

With all of that, and it's coming up on new year, so I thought I'd revisit my goals for this year and see how I did.

2017 goals
Mental Health and Well-being

Be up front and honest with my family instead of avoiding having hard conversations. (I started this already when I told my mom I didn't want to go to Hawaii if I was going to be under Dad's thumb and not an independent person. She's trying to arrange a family vacation, which, knowing my family, probably won't happen because mom and I are the only planners. However, I told her it was difficult for me to be pleasant and not "ruin" other people's vacations when I had no say in my own participation. I am 42 years old but my dad insists upon treating me like I'm 16 when we get together as a family.)- I will continue to try to do this but it doesn't have a whole lot of effect on my family.
Continue daily journalling for my personal use- I've managed to continue this but have had a couple of weeks where I've had to play catch up on Saturday. If I could head to bed a little earlier I'd be better able to do my journaling before I fall asleep.
Figure out Christmas presents early in the year so I can work on them slowly and not be cramming everything into the last 2-3 months making myself miserable- I opted not to make many presents this year. It was far more expensive but less stressful.
Continue participating in the University Chorale- I have continued to participate but have found it less rewarding this last term. I'm hopeful that it was just that we didn't have a master work this term. We were really ready for our concert though so that's the benefit.
Read! My goal is at least 100 books. I don't really care if they are just fun and fluffy.- I'm sitting at 120 books so far and I think I'll get a couple more read this week.
Reduce screen time at home. Perhaps audio books will help with this.- I wouldn't say this has been successful but I also am not very concerned about it. I tend to put on Netflix to listen to while I am knitting or working on projects.
Learn a couple of new skills. I have two knitting skills in mine, Entrelac and Brioche knitting. But I'd like at least one to be non-knitting related.- I didn't learn any new skills this year but I did have an opportunity to do some practice on some little used skills (embroidery and sewing for others).
Attend at least two cultural events (preferably with Jana but not exclusively)- We went to the Polynesian cultural center in Oahu and went to the luau and show. It was amazing and very much a cultural event, even though it wasn't what I had in mind when I wrote these goals. I also have gone to the Ballet twice- The legend of Sleepy Hollow and an American Christmas Carole. I want to go see the Barber of Seville on the 30th but I don't have $67 to do so.

Physical Health and Well-being

Continue to take my water aerobics class- Work no longer allows me to take the long lunch necessary to participate in this. I've not been very good about finding substitutions. I tired two after work classes but was so busy that this didn't work well for me.
Lose weight. I'd like to get below 200 lbs by the first of next year. That's about 36 lbs. Normally, I wouldn't obsess about this but my surgery revealed that I have a fatty liver and the ONLY way to treat that is to lose weight. I think this is a reasonable goal. If I could do that, I'd only have 25 lbs to go to get to my personal goal weight (perhaps not the doctors). This hasn't happened. In fact, I've put on about 10 lbs of the 30 I took off. I need to get back on track.
In that vein, continue tracking food intake and activity on my Fitbit- I've tracked activity but no food intake the last month or two. That coincides with the weight gain so I need to get back on this.
Once the surgery side effects have stabilized, see a nutritionist to discuss a balanced diet with my severely limited options- I think this should happen no later than March.- The student nutritionist was not able to help me but I think I've hit a reasonable balance. Still not great nutrition but with my limitations that's bound to happen.
Get back to hiking- 3-5 hikes this year would be lovely. This is a little weather dependent and so the last goal I had of 9 was not particularly feasible.- This hasn't happened due to the other obligations on my weekend time.
Exercise 3-5 days a week. Water aerobics will take care of this if I go faithfully but if not, I need to get out and walk to replace the missed days - Not so much. I've been walking occasionally with a new friend but not reliably.

Craft goals

Complete the Christmas knitting. I finished Mom's socks over the weekend but I still need to get Candy's Star Wars scarf completed- I got all of this done and there is no bleed over for this Christmas.
Learn Entrelac and Brioche knitting (as per above)- There has been nearly no time devoted to knitting so this has not happened.
Complete 3-5 shawls. I have at least seven shawls in my queue that I already have yarn for and lots of other yarn besides - I finished one shawlette when I was in Hawaii.
Complete Fiori di Sole. It can count as one of the seven- I did complete this shawl as well
Complete the Poet's pullover. I have the yarn and it's supposed to be an easy sweater. - Hasn't happened yet but I'm hoping to start on this in January.
Sew one thing a month using already acquired fabric. I have a ton of fabric matched with patterns already. - I made five skirts for myself, a jacket and three little dresses for Lilly, And I don't know how many tunics and the like for Durin and Ceridwen. Certainly I met my goal but not in the expected way.
Sew two bliauts (Linen and wool). These can count as part of my one a month but I may have to buy linen for one.- I finished one pseudo-bliaut out of wool. But there was limited time for sewing for myself.
Embellish the green tunic completely. I have a good idea of what this should look like in my head, which makes it easier than any of the other embellishment. Work on embellishing other SCA gear. - Not at this time.

Financial goals

Become a Stampin' Up demonstrator and meet the quarterly goals- preferably without buying all the product for myself. (I have signed up and opened my website but now I have to meet the goals)- I have met my goals but have spent a fair amount of money for myself doing so.
Put $1000 in the savings account.- Well, there is $1000 in my account for working on the back porch but not in the account I intended
Use my credit card only for my business expenses- I refinanced and paid off my credit card. However, I have a $20,000 home equity loan on the house to manage this.
Pay down the balance on the card using my tax return. I did but it wasn't sufficient.
Try making home cleaning/personal products. I have recipes for laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, and multipurpose cleaners. It's possible some would be cheaper to make than buy and better for me or the environment. I should also make some wool dryer balls- I suppose this is both a craft and a financial goal. Hmmm, I have been making my own laundry detergent. I tried wool dryer balls but they don't do enough to help with the static, even with vinegar added to the laundry.
I need to start thinking and planning for buying a new car - Thinking but not planning. The car will probably hit 300,000 miles this year. I don't think there is any chance that I will be able to replace it with a truck and only a small chance that a midsize suv is in the future. Probably it will be another used and potentially not as good car this time around. I have money from the home loan to buy a car but I don't know how to make the payments if I do that.

SaveSaveI'll be thinking about my goals for next year in the coming week. I don't feel like I've been very good this year at actively working towards them but I do think it's good to have them. I need to figure out a way to make them more frequently visible.

comments

Being Positive

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 23:24:42 GMT

September 18, 2017

Well then, let me try to get back on track. I woke up to the sound of rain in the middle of the night. It's been so long, it took me a minute to identify it. Then this morning the fire danger had been reset to low. Thank goodness! I hope it helps to put out the fires raging around the state.
I chatted with Jaymie again this morning and we are looking forward to getting together next week for dinner and company. I'm planning another open house on National Card Making day- October 7th. That will also be fun.

I had a lovely lunch with Jana today. Then we went directly into the all college meeting. Our new dean hit exactly the right note between doom and gloom deficit picture and the potential opportunities. She made it a collaborative challenge and sang glowing praises for the innovative programs we have. It was very well done! When I got back to my desk I found a 25% off coupon for the Eugene Ballet's performance of Mowgli. So I bought my ticket and I'm super excited to go (It premiered in Eugene in 2013 so I was excited to see it come back) . After work I talked to Jay and discovered that I'll get to see him in October. I did some grocery shopping and laundry tonight. I also made a couple of cards for the SoM.

Oh and mom and dad visited an alpaca farm and mom's bringing me yarn!

comments

SCA

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 16:40:43 GMT

This is the post I posted Saturday night when I got home. I was so tired and discouraged.

"I also quite clearly realized that once Durin and Ceridwen step down, there really isn't anyone who will care much if I'm there. I have no meaningful role to fill- I can't work hard enough to be anything special. Some people already look at me like I'm something they scraped off their shoe. I used to think I was a good attendant but today I realized that's not really true. I don't have the youthful energy and enthusiasm to put on the show with all it's pomp and circumstance. I was shoved out of my role several times by people who wanted to do it better and I let them. As an introvert with no particular skill and very little time to devote to learning a new one, I'm just dead weight. The SCA will be fine without me."

I thought on it quite a bit yesterday and posted:

"I was very tired and discouraged yesterday. I don't intend to completely leave the SCA yet but life requires more attention, so time I can give the SCA will be limited. This limit makes it less satisfying because I also can't give the time needed to become expert in any art. Being a generalist is not very respected in the SCA- I don't make flashy garb, paint beautiful images, weave lovely trim, make weapons or other obviously noticeable items. What I do is make well fitted, sturdy, useable period garments and give my time and resources as best I can to support events and people. I know how to do many things but don't have the time to devote a lot of time to things that are not strictly practical.
I also am not very good at being social or gregarious. So I tend to fade to the background, which makes me easy to ignore or overlook. While I understand the why, it's still incredibly hard to feel alone in such a crowd. Hence the discouragement."

Jonna replied to this:

"I suppose the question becomes, why are you there? To get noticed? To be in the foreground? To socialize and enjoy stepping out of the real world for a bit? To serve because you like to serve? To have a chance to make pretty things? It seems maybe you need to assess the "why" of the SCA for you, and what you want out of it. I liked doing the pretty things, and I had a talent for dealing with the mechanics of the admin...but ultimately found that I enjoyed doing that more (and for more satisfaction from) doing it in the real world. Thinking about the "why" may help you decide if the SCA is the place to find that satisfaction. Interestingly enough, you were doing quite well with positive posts....right up until you went to an event."

A reply to my original from Godwyn/Forrest helped me to focus a bit:

"There were several times throughout the day yesterday that I would wonder for a second if their highnesses were being taken care of and then I remembered you were there and didn't worry about them anymore because I knew you would be taking care of anything that came up."

This struck such a happy cord that I realized that it hit a the crux of the issue.

Intellectually, I have always loved the learning and making part of our game. I also love the connection with people that I've created. But emotionally, I think Godwyn hit it on the head for me. I want to be a person that people know they can rely on. I want have a place and be important, not in a "look at me" kind of way, but in the way of a pillar of support. I think that's why feeling pushed aside and feeling like I had no place made me so discouraged.

Jonna reminded me that to be that type of pillar takes a time commitment which is a conundrum with where I currently am in life. I just don't have a lot of time to spend. I have to be realistic in my expectations when that is the case. She told me to "be kind" to myself. I'm not so good at that. I have such high expectations of myself, I think I should be able to do it all- but really, it's not possible. There will be more pondering and cogitating on this matter I think.

comments

Being Positive (multi-day post)

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 16:28:13 GMT

September 11, 2017

I had a blood draw this morning in preparation for my annual doctor's visit next week. I got to spend a little extra time in reading and quiet meditation. The technician did a marvelous job. She got me in one stick in my elbow...I don't remember the last time I didn't have to have a butterfly in my hand to give blood. People are trickling back from summer vacations and it's nice to see more friendly faces again.

Hmmm... maybe two Thai ice teas was a bit too much caffeine. I feel jittery. I'm keeping my mouth shut though because last time I had too much caffeine I was quite verbose in a Squirrel on coffee kind of way (Hoodwinked).

Noon time positives....I got into the HEDA Salesforce sandbox at least temporarily and have been able to work on some training today. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the scope of this project but this does help some. People are amusing: Air quality observation from Alan Roberts: Looks ok today. Tomorrow, it will reach "3 packs of unfiltered camel cigarettes a day" level. By the weekend, it will probably be back at "assisted suicide" levels. Also I got a lovely affirmation from an unexpected place person today and it was a real mood lifter. My boss lit into me this morning about not telling her I was going to be late and then had to do a little back pedaling when she realized that she hadn't checked where she'd told us to post our leave. There was no apology but I'll take my satisfaction where I can get it.

I enjoyed a quiet night. I spent some time making cards using the new Christmas Quilt bundle. I made three cards total, all of which I like. I also finished all the HEDA training. It has been a sober day of remembrance as well. There have been lots of posts of Sept 11, 2001, that day we never want to forget but don't really like to remember either.

September 12, 2017

I am so thankful for a sweet friend who has been offering advice and encouragement and who checks in with me almost daily. I hope I am as encouraging to her as she is to me.
I have a meeting with my Salesforce advisor in a few minutes to discuss the project in the terms my dean needs to see. I'm overwhelmed and having trouble figuring out how to get started. I'm hopeful that he can give me some direction and he was super about getting back to me as soon as he knew I was drowning.
I'm glad I have a coworker who is willing to listen to me trying to figure out what to do next.

I spent a good portion of the day working on a work flow diagram recommended by my Salesforce advisor. It's progress anyway. It's also amazingly complex. So far the people I've run it by think it makes sense. Yeah me! So many issues have been sorted out today that I wasn't originally involved in but had to solve. I'm good at that. I'm irritated about some things but I'm chosing to address it with humor instead of anger. This has lead to some fun exchanges with coworkers who understand.

Tonight we made jerky for Trudi Trudchen Stuber and calculated whether the lowest lottery would be enough to pay off the mortgage and live off of (no). Of course we'd have to buy tickets first. Barring a lottery win we comforted each other on the difficulties inherent in each other's jobs. It doesn't fix anything but it's nice to have sympathy given. Then I dropped off some snail adhesive refills with my mom and helped her set up her new Charge 2 Fitbit. When I came home I worked on cards for a couple of cousins. Doing for others helps take my mind off my own worries.

September 13, 2017

Good morning, I woke up with a hymn in my heart and that always makes the day start well. It's Wednesday and we are halfway through the week. I decided last night just to let this job stuff roll. I have a job, I will continue to have a job in all likelihood. I have no idea what all it will consist of but I know I'll be working on Salesforce and otherwise filling in with other tasks I've probably done before. All the angst and anxiety about my PD just isn't worth it. If, when I get done with the big push on Salesforce, my other duties are not what I want, I can look for another job. Or maybe things will sort themselves out in the mean time. There is no sense borrowing trouble or stealing joy from today by worrying about tomorrow. I realize that this is easy to say and not so easy to do but I'm working on it.
I was blessed by yet another sweet, short, text conversation with Jaymie who keeps helping me put things in perspective. I look forward to our morning "chats" so much now.
I tried a new shampoo and conditioner today. My hair feels great and looks good but I'm not very happy with the smell. I'm going to try mixing essential oils with it to see if I can make the fragrance more likeable.

I had a lovely luncheon sitting on the patio by myself. It was quiet and refreshing. I've done a little more workflow mapping today and have talked to several people who have confirmed that it works so far for them. I've had lots of email requests but so far it's been a pretty low stress day.

The afternoon was busy and productive. I left on time and had plenty of time to make and eat dinner and walk to meeting. It was a wonderful meeting, as usual. I remembered to start the water when I got home from work so the front flowerbeds and the garden got watered. I finished all the seams on Ceridwen's tunic and the hems at the wrist. I only need to do the hem and attach the trim.

September 14, 2017

I posted some information about the biology of sex and engaged with some people in a respectful conversation about how that translates to biblical scripture. It was informational really- because I've heard too many of my religious friends say disparagingly that sex is obvious at birth. I wanted to make the point that it's really, really not.

Oh man. This day could die a fiery death so I'm hunting for positives while I try to breathe on my lunch break.
I guess I'm glad I'm needed. I'm not a 98 lb weakling so that emergency furniture move that has to happen immediately is something I can handle (not sure about the 500 lb table top but I'll figure it out- breathe!).
This morning I had a hymn on my mind again (337, Counted in, if you are curious). Anxiety levels are high today but at least I am aware and can address it more rationally.

I am tired- physically and mentally but I got almost all of the furniture moved and I got the help lined up to disassemble the one piece I couldn't manage. My new helper was impressed I was able to empty it out so quickly. I'm glad someone appreciates the work I do- really, not sarcastic. It's not my first rodeo here. I got to get a nice hug from a friend and catch up for a few minutes. It's good to remember that Tam is back on campus- we used to take walks together during the day when we worked together. Maybe we can do that again once in a while. She had some solid advice that I will work on. Now I'm debating whether I should go get sushi before I go home and sew or whether I should just go home and have a cheese quesadilla for dinner. Sushi sounds good but it's definitely more expensive. I can afford it right now.

Well it's a little late but I just finished Ceridwen's tunic a day early! I discovered today how great a support network I have. They can't fix things but they support me through them. It's seriously larger than I imagine especially when I'm down I really appreciate all of them. I got to see my mighty hunters at work. Simon brought in a huge moth from the garage and, of course let it get away. Have no fear though, after much romping, stalking, and caterwauling by both cats, Helix successfully caught, and ate it.

September 15, 2017

Well, today I find out what my job is going to be. I've decided to try to not stress about it. As Tam Belknap told me yesterday- there will be something about the job I like. I just have to find it. It should all be fairly familiar as well unless something dramatic happens which I'm not expecting. I do have butterflies. I'm going to be fairly busy between now and my meeting though so no dwelling on it. Yeah for the end of ambiguity.

It's Friday, anyway! Since I finished my sewing last night, I have time tonight to do whatever I want after I get my stuff together for the event.
That may mean mowing, but you know- I like the look of a fresh mowed lawn and it doesn't take too long.

Yeesh! That was a lot of angst for a whole lot of nothing. My position really hasn't changed that dramatically but they actually have added some decision making responsibility, just in different ways. There is a lot of streamlining so somethings I won't be doing, just because they don't need doing any more. More later, I have to go move furniture again. OUCH! I just got my fingers stuck underneath three table tops. I don't think anything is seriously damaged but I may lose a fingernail and have some good bruises. I currently have lines across my fingers in two places. But all the furniture has been moved.

I had a nice lunch with a coworker today. We got all the furniture moved and I got the attic space organized. My meeting with my supervisor went fine. There were no major changes, not even the ones I expected. She did encourage my input and will continue to work on it with the feedback I've given her. She also wants me to continue to think on it and we'll meet again in a couple of weeks. She also assured me that everyone is feeling the strain of the ambiguity and change. I think it was her way of telling me to toughen up but it worked all the same.

September 16, 2017

I got out the door on the dot of 6:30 which was exactly when I wanted to leave. Then I got to have Chai to speed my on my way. The event is 2 hrs and 54 minutes away and I want to be there no later than 9:30. It's a fairly easy drive down i-5. I've packed a lunch but don't have much else. I'll be busy so I won't be posting mid day.

Such an interesting and mixed day today.
I was watching Sverre on the field as marshal interacting with the fighters and the royalty and I realized quite clearly, he's ready. Apparently the counsel and crown agreed because he's on vigil for knighthood now.

The impromptu bardic circle was lovely to listen to. I didn't know the music so I couldn't really sing along but it was fun.

I appreciate Vestia Antonia Aurelia popping by several times with hugs and kind words today. I have met some wonderful people in the SCA.

There are emotional and touching moments at these events, like Durin cutting off pieces of his belt today to give to fighters in the list (He's assuming it's his last reign- five is about enough) and awards given that thrill and surprise the hearts of the recipients. Beautiful moments!

I am struggling to figure out what to do with the SCA in my life. I don't have enough time for everything and I don't know that the SCA needs me. I posted a whole angsty post about it which doesn't fall into the being positive posts but I may post in a separate post.

September 17, 2017

It's raining finally! They are expecting a drencher of a system to be here in the PNW for the next 1-2 weeks. I'm so glad, we need it to put out all the fires and clear the air.

I had a quiet day. When my alarm went off it made me cry, literally. I had a headache, my stomach hurt and I ached all over. So I called and let people know I would be staying home, took some anti inflammatories, and went back to sleep for 3.5 hours. When I woke again my head felt a little better and my stomach issue resolved itself. I still ache tonight but I'm guessing that it's the weather change causing that. I decided to slice up the pile of tomatoes and get them on the dehydrator. Then I worked on finishing the tunic I had carried with me yesterday. When I finished it, I did my dishes and made up some food for the week. Then I was able to sit and knit. I maybe should have made some cards but my brain isn't working creatively today. Now I'm going to put the clean clothes away and go to bed.

I sure missed meeting this morning. I needed to sleep off the headache and other issues but I could have used the uplifting of the spirit. I'm glad I feel that way. I'd worry about my own spirit if I didn't.

comments

Being Positive (multi-day post)

Mon, 11 Sep 2017 22:13:45 GMT

September 8, 2017

I'm a little behind on my posts today- meetings and projects got in the way. I had a lovely conversation with my SIL last night and an email this morning from my brother telling me he's excited to see me in November. I had another RSVP for my open house. I had another encouraging text from Jaymie this morning. I have been busy all day, which makes the day go quickly. There is a new ordering system coming online that looks like it will be really handy for many things. Excel may hate me, but I won in the end. I'm looking forward to the weekend!

This video absolutely cracked me up and made me feel old at the same time.

This evening has been dreadful and I think I turned the air blue a couple of times. However, I stopped, ate some dinner and sat for a while. Then Mom came to help and things smoothed out. I think I'm ready for tomorrow.

September 9, 2017

This was another video that made me smile!

It's been a really awesome day! I struggled a bit to get going but I managed to get out and cut some dahlias for bouquets as well as organize and chorale my scraps by color family before my first guest arrived.

I had four (and a half) people come to my open house and we had fun. I taught the method of making the lighthouse image in about 15 minutes. It might have been a fast demo but the idea was to show you can make awesome art in just a few minutes. The child had so much fun playing with the punches and making drawings with them it was adorable. Her mom ended up ordering some supplies to make Halloween cards with the kids.
My house is looking pretty good, although I need to sweep under the side tables and love seat, I discovered.
My soup turned out well and was quite hardy.
I used 10 4.25" x 5.5" pieces of designer paper and coordinating card stock to make 20 simple cards, which I finished this evening after mom and I had restored the house to its normal order and she had gone home.
I worked on sewing after that while I watched a British building show on Netflix.
Really! Good people, good food, good environment, and fun projects. It was amazing!

September 10, 2017

My friend Marian (blue hair) is at Rose City Comic Con as a vendor. It's her first really big Con and she was nervous. I found out my first boss and long ago friend was also there and sent her to see her stuff. They sent me this picture:

The day was mostly consumed by a nap! I had a lovely meeting and lunch then came home to take a nap. Woke up at 3:30 and couldn't get the fuzz out. I tried working on a card for the Stamp of the Month card but after making the same mistake three times in a row I decided to just finish the card as is and call it a day. But I got one card done and I worked on some hand sewing thereafter.

comments

Being Positive (multi-day post)

Fri, 08 Sep 2017 23:38:10 GMT

September 6, 2017

Morning positives: I have lovely nails that don't require polish (I need to remember that before the manicure next time since it only lasted about 10 hours).
The smoke has lifted a bit but I was able to order masks online when the local stores were all out. They should arrive tomorrow.
Some places in Oregon have gotten a little bit of rain and the winds in the gorge have shifted so the fire isn't running as fast.
I have friends who send encouraging and spiritual texts once in a while.

Multinomah Falls seems to have escaped the worst of the fire. The lodge was also saved:

Thank goodness for these firefighters.

I had a good conversation with our ADR about how to handle my current situation. She had some good ideas and now I need to do some hard work to make my future better. I'm glad she is my friend as well as our Associate Dean.
I had a nice bahn mi sandwich and a good book to read at lunch.
It's been nicely cool today which helps make the air feel better even if it's not.

Good meeting tonight, as usual. We were very small in number but that didn't change the spirit. I have several RSVPs for Saturday! Yeah!! Im planning lunch and wondering what sorts of things people will want to do. I'm looking forward to that. I cleaned out the dishwasher tonight so I won't accumulate a sink full of dishes that have to be cleaned by Friday night.

September 7, 2017

It rained enough overnight to make my car muddy but it seems to have cleared the skies just a little. I got a very nice harvest of green beans this morning. I've been fretting about the work the ADR told me to do, it involves a conversation with the dean. I have been concerned about the outcome but I realized this morning that the worst possible outcome is just that nothing changes. I won't be any worse off if that happens than I am now. I suppose the Dean could take exception but I really doubt that will happen and really, again, the outcome isn't much different than things are now. I'd be thinking about looking for a new job. So, I need to just do it and quit fretting- fretting doesn't do any good anyway.

I had a lovely lunch at Mongolian Grill with Sara Dancer. It was nice to see her. It's been a while. Mongolian grill is also a lovely place to eat with good food and a CLEAN bathroom (smells clean). I can adjust my food to meet my dietary restrictions there. Had a fun conversation with my coworker after lunch. Lots of giggles and I finally fixed my inbox so that it doesn't fall down any more, maybe. It's amazing what you can do with a rubber band and two paperclips.

I got this cute picture of the Godson who apparently felt the need to cuddle into the dragon blanket I made him.

I'm feeling great this evening. I don't know why but I'm not going to question it. Perhaps it's this little guy (below). I fell in love with him today. I found goat and sheep's milk cheese at Trader Joe's for significantly less than Market of Choice. It's different brands but it's the difference between $25 for cheese or $100 for cheese (it's about a lb of cheese). It's worth a try! I got a new laser level today. My old one drained somehow so there was no water to float a bubble. I keep trying to put up these shelves but I've been trying to charge the battery on the wrong drill for several days. Now I that I have the correct one plugged in we might get somewhere. I'm cleaning house in preparation for my open house but it's really not too bad. A little tidying and a quick sweep, mop, and toilet scrub and I'll be ready.

My coworkers think he needs a name.

comments

Being Positive (multi-day post)

Wed, 06 Sep 2017 18:25:41 GMT

August 31, 2017

I believe that I managed to stay under my calorie goal yesterday! Yeah me! I got my laundry put away before I went to bed instead of leaving it laying on the chair in the living room. It improves the look of the room quite dramatically.;) It's payday! I'm treating myself to lunch. I will have to watch serving size but I should be able to eat what I want.

I'm looking at options for our Faculty and Staff Fitness classes. I can't take the noon classes any more due to restrictions on my schedule. It gets a little complicated in the evenings because I can't do MWF because of meeting on Wednesday and I can't do TR because of my commitment to Marian and Trudi on Tuesday. But they allow mix and match so I could do a MRF. I'm thinking about doing a therapeutic Yoga on Monday, Thursday I could do Cardio dance, or Fusion. Friday I could do Aerobic Machines or something called Functional fitness which doesn't have a description yet. The Friday options are also available on Monday but I'd like to do some yoga for stretching one day a week. Variety is good too but I'm wondering if I will get confused without being there the two or three days a week each of the classes is offered.

I had a lovely lunch with a coworker. I'm loving the sarong that I'm wearing that I got in Hawaii. I talked with a couple of coworkers who are interested in maybe doing the fitness classes with me.

I got the dahlias and roses deadheaded and new hummingbird food out for the General and company. There are nine quarts and a pint of grape juice. I canned it as is with no sugar added so hopefully that will be ok.

September 1, 2017

The undergraduate students started today. I did their Taskstream orientation this morning. They are so earnest and excited. It's fun to work with them.
I grabbed the bull by the horns and sent an email to my supervisor and Dean about a change I was told about yesterday that I was really upset about because there had been no conversation about it taking place. I really would rather ignore it and frankly I told someone it was probably easier to get a new job than to have that conversation. But I faced it and I did it in a way that was more comfortable for me. (I'm proud of myself so it's a positive, but I hated doing it so it's not a positive...I'll take the positive)
I picked a handful of fresh green beans this morning and I'm happy to finally have them. I didn't plant as many so I may get just enough to eat in a meal once in a while- which is nice because canning in this heat is not so fun. We have a ban on open flames so I can't use my summer kitchen.

I enjoyed my lunch with SueAnn today. We talked about the fitness classes and I got some good advice- avoid fusion, my back won't handle it. But there are still three different classes I could take so that's good.
I'm looking forward to going to the dahlia festival tomorrow. It will probably be a bit warm but we are going in the morning to try to beat the heat. Mom and I are inventorying our dahlias tonight and tomorrow to determine what we actually have so we can make our order at a discount.

5+ trays of tomato slices shrink down quite a lot. Boy, they are rich tasting though.

Needy shoulder kitty. And that turned into this.

At the end of the day I was productive- maybe more so than the rest of the day. I paid the bills; packed up the dried tomatoes; and did a visual comparison of the dahlias so that I know what I have. Now I am prepared with a list for tomorrow.
My kitty has been very cuddly.
I love my quesadilla for dinner!

September 2, 2017
Headed out to the Dahlia festival. A second look this morning discovered that there were a couple of dahlias I thought hadn't come up that had. I was also able to identify a couple that didn't have blooms on them when I looked before. Oh and rest stops are a marvelous invention. So are big floppy hats on hot days.

It's been a good day but I've got a headache preventing word flow. Dahlia festival was awesome, as usual. I replaced some tubers I'd lost and got some new ones. There was a whole lot of high calorie bad for me food but it was tasty. There was fresh made caramel popcorn. I was restrained but enjoyed it. When I got home I couldn't put my craft room back together the way I planned but I managed to make three cards anyway. I've wanted to go to bed since seven and now I get to.

September 3, 2017

Silly cuddly kiddies keep me occupied and not thinking about negative things. I had a quesadilla for breakfast- I'm not sorry. It tasted great! I'm thankful for being reminded that I need to manage my free time better- less screen time more time doing.

Positives afternoon and evening edition: I had a nice lunch with my parents after a wonderful meeting. Then I went to Jerry's for shelving ideas. While there I got the shelves I needed and ran into Eric Cunningham who helped me estimate what redoing my porch would cost. It's within budget so that's great! And it was nice to visit with him for a moment. Preliminary shelf placement looks like this idea will work but the battery on my drill needs to charge so I'll have to put them up later. Instead I got caught up on my cards and worked up 20 cards from a kit. It's lovely to have a few cards in stock. Laundry is finishing up and I feel like it's been a productive afternoon.

September 4, 2017

I forgot to post positives today. I was pretty busy but there were positive things. I was able to drop off some wool to be made into tunics for Durin and Ceridwen- some sewing I don't have to do. I had sushi for lunch and it was yummy! My house is not perfectly clean but it's not going to be too big a stretch to get it ready for the open house on Saturday. I got a tunic made for Ceridwen, had a fitting with her, and had the material and time to adjust it before heading to bed. The meant I also got a visit with Durin and Ceridwen. I recorded the rectangle sizes this time and so I should be able to replicate it.

September 5, 2017

Welcome to the willamette valley 2017 fire season. I could hardly see across the street today. (Yes I know this mask doesn't do a lot of good but it's better than nothing)

It's really hard to be positive when watching so much around us burn. And in Texas, they have too much water causing chaos. But I suppose this is when it's most important. So here we go: So far my home is not in any danger, nor are most of my family. Even Marissa in Katy seems to have escaped the worst of the flooding. I am wearing a mask today which is marginally helpful and something perhaps not available in other parts of the world. I had a lovely lunch of leftovers punched up a bit with more peanut sauce. Food and supplies are still fairly abundant in our area, in fact, aside from the smoke and the news, you could possibly forget the fires. I found out that thing I was concerned about at work really was some sort of oversight or miscommunication. I finished sewing up the seams of a tunic for Ceridwen last night. Now it's on to the hand finishing. But that's progress. Everything is temporary. That's sometimes a relief.

Pampering night with the girls (Marian and Trudi) we had dinner and then got mani/pedis. The technicians asked us how long we'd been friends. We looked at each other blankly. Marian and Trudi figured almost 30 years and I think I'm in at about 15-17 years! Wow! How did that happen? I'm so thankful for our friendships; we can be silly and zany or studious and productive, but we help keep each other sane. We are usually a little more frugal when we are together but this was just needed tonight. Marian posted pictures of her cats eye nails.

comments

Being Positive

Thu, 31 Aug 2017 16:59:57 GMT

August 30, 2017
I took a personal/sick day today. I was simply exhausted yesterday and then woke this morning to a sore throat and GI issues. So I decided to stay home. The idea was to rest but I realize that what would make me feel best was getting a few things done so that they aren't hanging over my head.
I'm very glad to have this done! Dehydrating tomatoes this year. My Italian seasoning is a little old but I added some basil that I dried this year. I was worried I wouldn't get it done before the tomatoes spoiled. I ended up with 5 full trays plus a little.

I had pretty little birdies at the feeder this morning. I don't know what they are but they're masked in white. Too big for chickadees and the wrong color and markings for Juncos. I was able to tidy up the kitchen table which helps the house feel cleaner. The laundry is done I had to make more detergent but it's fairly simple. I do it in two steps so it's not too time consuming at any given time. It's really cheap too.

I have a ton of grapes. I filled the sink and my huge metal bowl. They are mostly green grapes but I had one cluster of purple on the other plant.

I put all of these through the steam juicer and canned the juice. I ended up with 9 quarts and one pint. I'm not sure what I'll so with it yet. I didn't add any sugar so I'm not sure how long it will last.

I walked to meeting tonight to get some extra steps and a few extra calories. The air is much clearer so I could do that. Diet soda is helping to fill the gaps with fizz while I adjust to the calorie reduction.

comments

Being Positive

Thu, 31 Aug 2017 16:52:01 GMT

August 29, 2017

Cooler mornings bring hot tea with Hazelnut almond creamer. The gray squirrels are out with their beautiful silver tails flipping about. They are cute to watch as long as they stay in their proper places and don't get into human spaces (i.e. Marian's basement). An article came across my feed this morning for books that take place in the PNW. There were a couple that sounded interesting and I added them to my list. There are cute memories of Lilly on my feed this morning too.

Ali, is still very protective of Lilly but now Lilly has a puppy of her own (Mastiff/Lab). Here they are now- Lilly is helping Chester dig for the gopher that my brother wishes they would both just leave alone instead of putting holes under the patio. Look at those puppy feet- he still has a way to go before he grows into them completely.

I decided to look into some career/job counseling and asked for recommendations on FB. Not much has materialize, except the the local community college provides that service.

I had a nice quiet evening with Trudi Trudchen Stuber and Marian Harris. Marian is prepping her stuff for her booth at ComiCon so we helped her with her business cards and pricing. Then I got to climb a ladder and pick the plums. The smoke has lifted quite a bit and that's fantastic. My friends and family in Texas are all above water and otherwise ok so far.

comments

Being Positive

Tue, 29 Aug 2017 15:59:17 GMT

August 28, 2017

Facebook seems to have eaten my morning post. However, I had a lovely cup of tea this morning, was able to address some direct requests from the new dean in a very rapid fashion, and took care of some other requests quite efficiently.

Goodreads friends give prime ground for finding book recommendations. It's great fun to look at what others are reading and find some gems that appeal. I also had four credits on audible so I got 4 books that were totally new to me. At least two are part of series so, if I like them, I can read on. I got "The apple orchard," "The forgotten seamstress," "Seven Sisters" and "The secrets of Wishtide." I wasn't looking for too much heavy reading. There were other books added to my "maybe later" file.
I ate my lunch- the one I packed and was satisfied, if not overwhelmed by glorious flavor. It turns out there are plenty of calories in that lunch.
I feel quite content today. I've been able to address some things that people needed and haven't felt endangered or attacked, much.

We have terrible air quality right now from all the smoke. After breathing it all day I didn't feel much like doing anything. However, I did get all the laundry done and I'm very glad for the filters on the heat pump keeping the cool air somewhat cleaner than the outside air. I enjoyed some knitting time tonight instead of doing other things.

comments

Being Positive (multi-day post)

Mon, 28 Aug 2017 17:52:02 GMT

August 24, 2017

Good morning! I did my dishes last night so I got up this morning to a clean sink and a relatively clean kitchen. I always feel better when the kitchen is clean. I really need a little time to do some more house cleaning but the spiritual house cleaning comes first this weekend. Tonight I get to pack to go out to Saginaw after work on Friday but it's a small pack so I will spend some time working on cards when I finish. I'm a little late with some but my family seem to love them whenever they arrive so it's all ok. I've enjoyed eating my leftovers from my convention prep this week but I'm also looking forward to Bahn Mi for lunch. The nice thing about leftovers is that I don't have to cook anything new, unless I want to. I noticed one of my camis seemed to have gotten wrapped up in something that left a shadowy stain all over it so I soaked it last night and it seems to be better. Yeah for home made solutions to stain removal!

Our student workers are on vacation so the receptionist and I are trading off late lunches to provide lunch coverage. Today was my day to go late and I was super hungry by 1:00. I got myself a bahn mi sandwich and that was the best tasting sandwich I've had in a long time. I'm not sure if was exceptionally well made or if hunger was the best sauce but it was fantastic. I'm also enjoying the quiet in a small corner of the MU away from work. The window next to me overlooks the quad and it's open a crack to let the breeze through. I'm also sipping on a Thai iced tea that also tastes excellent.

Apparently one of the keys to having a good day is to get away from the building for lunch and find a quiet place to recharge. Even the lunch room in the building doesn't give me the refresh that I got today.

I'm terribly disappointed tonight and contemplating canceling my trip to Dreamforce all together. But I'm not going to make any decisions while I'm so frustrated. I can be taught! Instead I'm looking forward to lunch with my coworkers tomorrow and then escaping to Saginaw for the weekend. I haven't had to think much about food because most of what I planned for last week still works this week.

August 25, 2017

Good morning! This morning I got to talk to Candace Eagle and hear that the boys are super excited for school. That makes me happy because it is good for them and easier for Jay and Candy.

We had a lovely conversation and I accidentally gave her something important to contemplate. We talked about how important it is that as a parent we (obviously parents in general, I'm only an auntie but it also applies) don't accidentally teach our children our biases, in this case, particularly about Math and or Science. It also applies to body positivity and consent. It applies in the broader sense too but that's a little harder.

I talked yesterday to my SIL about sending some books that are specifically about different cultures and languages in the world for Lilly. She's in agreement, but I think it's really important for people (starting with children) to be informed and educated about the world and cultures beyond their small niche. They can make informed and intelligent decisions that way. I suppose that's a "hazard" of working at a university. I also know that SIL has difficulty with Math so I send books about or incorporating math in a fun way as well.

I'd love to be able to send those kinds of books and books that encourage children in math and science to every child, especially those of us with privilege. I keep a list if anyone is interested. A lot of the books come from the mighty girl website but I have a list of multicultural books from work too.

I feel very privileged to be able to do this for my niece- I'd do it for my Godson's too if they are interested. (This is a big positive for me this morning)

I had a great lunch with my coworkers who are rapidly becoming friends. We joked about all being in the same ship- it might be sinking but we're in it together. I'm pleased to feel more settled and at peace this afternoon than I've felt in a while. I don't know what the future holds but I trust that there is blessing in it. I'm also very happy that kitten cams exist and that there are people like Foster Dad John who is so generous of his time and home to take in litter after litter of kittens and pregnant mamas (The Critter Room). Then he does the hard part of giving them up to loving homes. I haven't been able to do the last part, I tend to keep them all. ;) There are still good people in this world.

I love the peace and quiet here at Saginaw. There is a process of slowing and quieting that happens inside me when I arrive too. Then I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me. It feels wonderful.

August 26, 2017

Good morning! There are 12 little boys outside my window playing dodgeball with pinecones. They are being careful to avoid hitting the vehicles nearby and there is much giggling and boyish yelling. It would be easy to be annoyed by the noise but they are so precious. Their ages probably go from ~5-11

I couldn't decide which outfit to wear today, posts to Facebook were pretty evenly split. I ended up going with this one because it was cold and my shawl matched it and not the other. I had fish and fresh beans for lunch and ended up eating with a group of others who brought their own food as well. I enjoyed both the food and the company. Then I took a walk with my mom around the trails that go up the back side of the hill. I love that I enjoy spending time with my mom and that our conversations are fun and comfortable. I got to see Kayla Wright and meet her husband today also. I was remembering the day so many years ago when I looked down off the bridge into the old cafeteria to see this three day old baby being brought in by her parents. I ended up babysitting her and her brother for many years. Often once or more a week. Sweet memories are in this place and with these people.

August 27, 2017

Good morning. It doesn't photograph well but this dress makes me feel really cute. Last night I had a chance to have a lovely long talk with someone I've been trying to connect with for quite a while. I feel really close to her right now as our conversation was really personal and deep. I hope we can connect more in the near future but she has a young child and a busy spouse as well as a demanding job. It makes finding time more challenging. But maybe we can text each other at least. I'm looking forward to the day. I really don't want to go home but we can't stay at the feasting house forever, life must be attended to. I hope I have more and improved tools to do that. I am encouraged by a dear older lady who decided to make first steps last night. It simply filled me with joy that I hope to take with me this week. I am hopeful that I will be able to spend some time with her as she wants to do some sewing. I feel surrounded by and filled with love.

comments

Being Positive

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 17:26:26 GMT

This morning I have an appointment to talk about getting started with our Salesforce project. It's a big project so it will be nice to get started. I'm staring at gray walls and feeling kind of gray myself but I know you are all cheering me on and that helps. I've gotten several complements on my new Facebook profile picture. It's an old one but a favorite.

Noon time positives. SueAnn came back to my desk to tell me my dress was super-duper cute. My boss thanked me for getting some tricky information. My friend on Facebook are amazing. I posted that I was near tears and needed positive thoughts and so many people posted lovely things, including kitty pictures. I also spent a few minutes thumbing through Amazon for good kids books that I can add to the list of ideas that I keep for Lilly. Kids books are mostly an inherent pick-me-up.

Well I made it through the day. And, well really, that's 100% of my days so far. I made the effort to get down to Saginaw for meeting and was richly rewarded with exactly the messages I needed to hear again. I got to visit with Jasmine Brazill for a while, which was a nice treat. And now I'm laying in bed with a kitty stretched across me purring.

comments